I just realised that I am craving for an addiction. Something I need so desperately that I can stop feeling guilty for wanting it. I am incapable of being addicted as I am strong enough to fight the urge for mostly anything. And this is why its dangerous. Coz now, am just pushing myself to try things that will get me hooked.
Where will this chase lead me? How do I plan to harm myself next?
Only time will tell.
PS: Back to flirting, teasing and guilty pleasures. This time knowingly with a married guy. But if he has an adrenaline addiction why should I feel guilty, right? Yeah right!!
I want a child. To hold, to love to comfort. To give it everything it needs. To make it a good human being. To teach it morals and values that I never had. To also let it free… to make mistakes, to learn from them. To be there only to help get up everytime it falls. To show patience even if it repeats the mistakes. To be a listening ear for it to cry its woes to. To be a strong shoulder for it to lean on. To be the momma bear when it needs. I might be selfish. But I want a child for me.
Or maybe I just need food. Loads of it.
Junking spree begins. Oh wait. It never ended!
When someone you care about falls ill… what do you do? You take them to the doctor. You give them love and care. And an environment conducive to recovery. Or do you take them to the doctor and hope that they get well soon. Be around but within your comfort zone. Not in the way they need or want you. Not try to understand what they might be going through and how best you can help them but hope that the doctor knows what he or she is doing and wash their hands off?
Read Macbeth? Well, your hands are dirty. And this stain isnt going to go away!
I am desperate and helpless and angry. So so angry. Mom sent several msgs. Angry and apologetic. But in my anger I responded rudely. Tried sending apologies later but I guess the damage is done. I take 5 steps forward and 40 steps backwards!!!!
I need cigarettes.. or weed or alcohol. I need to smoke NOW! Something. Anything. Am out of anything at home. Am desperate. Help me god. Please!
3 days. 3 days I took care of mom and did everything that I could possibly do for her. Her fever, which was psychosomatic to begin with, reduced today and she is left with residual weakness. I still prepared most of the meals and even served it to her. All this despite feeling miserable with depression and cancelling all plans I had made. Plans to meet a guy who fancies me and feel wanted and admired for a while.
My therapy is to lock myself in a room and watch marathon sessions of something I like. Currently Boston Legal. Mom msged me mid episode saying she is feeling a little uneasy and would like me to go check on her. We finished dinner about 2 hours back and I had cleared up and retired to my room. I decided to finish the episode and then go, since I was already in a nasty mood and ran a huge risk of snapping at her… something that she just cannot handle.
Since I did not rush to her aid immediately, she sent me an extremely hurtful msg of being done with me. Being done with what? Putting up with my moods for 5 months? Or less!! Seriously? What the FUCK?
If she is working her ass off even now, its coz she couldnt get my bro to work when he needed to. Not to support me. I got married when I was 23. And I have been earning from when I graduated when I was 20. Why the fuck then am I responsible for her psychosomatic illness which is coz she doesnt want to go to office. Why the FUCK!!!!!
I hate her for making me feel responsible and guilty for everything. I hate my brother for not fucking doing anything he needed to, when he needed to. I hate my dad for not doing anything either. I hate them all. I hate that am a part of this fucking family.
I am tired. I am desperate, lonely, broken. I have no voice. No strength. What little effort I have comes from the courage my friends and ex husband give me. Am struggling to take care of myself and not be a burden on anyone. Please do not add to it expectations of your own. I cannot take care of you. I cannot take care of anyone other than myself right now. Hell, I dont want to. I did more than my share.
Its my turn to be taken care of. Fuck off if you cant. And fuck you for ssaying you care!
Went on the trip. Didnt miss any sessions. Doc told me not to go. Stayed with him on mon. Became a mess by eve. Wanted to run away. Went into silence. Mind numbed. Switched. Went out for dinner. Nice. Slept. Rushed back next morn to meet doc n to go from Mantri so noone knows. Lied at home. Sick session. House hunting. Ran away. Rushed off to coorg. Returned for session on fri. Again on sat morn. Tired tired tired. 4 days since then and messed up. Miss him. He can return next week. Dont want that. Dont want to meet him. Fashion week starting friday. Want to go. Dont want to go. Friend started flirting… casually. Married. Do I give out vibes? He likes the risk. Adrenaline high. I want the risk. I need it. Dressed up. Looking fat. Mom said something. Been doing loads of work the last 4 days. Mom down with fever. Was ideal daughter. Hurt. Sad. Depressed. Cancelled plans with everyone. Will sit at home and RANT. Fuck!!!
Was so depressed today that the doc wanted to see me again tom. Going to stay with an ex for the next 4 days and hence will be missing my regular wed visit as well. But am sure the change of venue, the flirting, the superficial happiness will all help pull me out of this slump. Here’s keeping my fingers crossed!