You know? Do you now…

Everyone who knows that am not “well” has told me that its ok. Its no big deal. Its something most people go through. Mine is a bigger deal only because I’m under therapy and the doctors have given it a name.

Really?? Is that it?

So all of you feel turned on if you see someone grope someone else? All of you get this uncontrollable urge to make out with someone only because they are sitting extremely close to you… be it a girl or a boy… or a child or an old person? All of you feel that they have to swallow whatever they see… be it food or garbage or shit? All of you feel like you are covered with mucus because someone near you coughed or sneezed? And that the mucus is now going into your mouth and you are now actually having oral sex? Do all of you look at any random married couple and see potential victims? Victims of what you plan to subject them to? Do you? Do all of you feel so promiscuous randomly in the middle of the day or night that you are compelled to dress deliberately provocatively and go end up with random men? Do all of you feel like stuffing yourself with food so that the nausea you feel constantly goes off? Because face it, as long as food is in your mouth you cant be blowing someone, right? Do all of you feel like cutting yourself all the freaking time? Or jumping off a building just to know how it feels? And almost feeling like you are actually going to do it, all the while you might just be sitting? Do all of you feel all this? Do you?
If you don’t… don’t freaking tell someone who is “unwell” that you know what it feels like or its just a phase, it will pass. Its NOT a phase. It will NOT pass and you def DONT know what it feels like.

So do us all a favour and shut the fuck up!

Hungry kya?

Dying of hunger. Havent eaten a thing since morning. One reason is because there is nothing easy to make at home… Like bread or dosa dough. Another reason is because I’m not able to call and order food or provisions. Tried an online service but took so long that it crossed their delivery time. Cant call or go to the shop. Just sitting and felling worse by the minute. House is a huge mess. Or is it? The maid came and cleaned up. Didnt say a word to her. But then… the house must be clean no? I’m hungry. Mind fucked. Maybe I should just go back to sleep.

Reduced my ani psychotic and bipolar medication to half its previous dosage. That wrecked havoc with my system. Stopped therapy. And now the mood swings have hit. And how! Just want to curl up and die. Found a mood elevator. Panic attack pills. But expired in March. Should I still take it? How much worse can it be for my system?

Confused. Hungry. Tired. Lost… And the scariest of it all… Desperate!

Cast party tonight of a play I was part of. Should I go? Fuck myself up some more.


Whats sympathy without empathy, whats empathy without understanding and what is understanding without acceptance? What is anything really without something else? And when you get something else then there is yet another thing that is needed to complete the cycle. In essence we are just like… whats that game that came free with older computers?… Pinball. Yes. We are like those metallic balls just stuck in a giant pinball machine bouncing from one electric rod to another. Then going down a long winding passage just hoping that the bat strikes on time or else, its game over!

I live in fear. Fear of realising that I have done yet another something that I shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t have done. IF… IF I was in my senses. Did I post something blasphemous on fb? Did I like something someone else posted that I wasn’t supposed to? Did I chat with someone I wasn’t supposed to? Or did I chat about something I wasn’t supposed to? Did I create yet another id and join an online dating platform to meet the same people and have the same meaningless, flirtatious conversations over and over again? Or… the worst of them all. Did I go out and live it? The promiscuous, pretentious life of a drug addicted, drunk party goer.

I lost count of the number of times I’ve woken up lying on the floor of my bedroom dressed in provocative, party wear and high heels with my lipstick smudged across my face and my eyeliner streaming down my cheeks and wondered… did I dress up and cry myself to sleep in my room, or did I return like this after a tumultuous night of partying? Do I want to know? Do I really want to know!


Sleepless and lonely, I ventured onto a dating site again. Yes, again. I have lost count of how many times I have done this in the past. Everytime with a new yet anonymous account lest I bump into someone I know.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I even hollered out to a few interesting candidates, who let me point out pinged me first. But no response. Not even one.

Is this a test? If so, of what? My patience. Coz I kid you not, its wearing thin.

My mind is clouded with incestual and disgusting thoughts. Involuntary, I assure you. And if with all the effort I can muster up, I clear my head of these thoughts, then I see spiders. Everywhere. And for an arachnophobic like me, its nothing less than torture.

The sound of the doorbell, someone talking suddenly, almost every noise I hear startles me. My heart beats at a pace that makes my head rush feel slow. Where is all this leading? When will it all just stop? Or am I to make it stop? Somebody, please tell me.

With a BANG!

Its back. And how! The episodes of anxiety, fear, depression. The realisation of not having been aware of all your actions, all the time. The powelessness while doing things you realise are wrong and that you are later going to regret having done. Everything everything everything. Everything is back, and with a bang. Its like I’ve fallen 50 steps for every 1 step I moved ahead. And since I had moved so far ahead the fall has also been that bad.

Over the last 5 months or so, I have more or less been functional. Atleast in the semi social sense of the word. I have been able to handle a few work assignments that came my way. I was able to hold my own at theatre, something I am dabbling in after a long long break. I have been able to travel around the city. Manage on my own while my partner was travelling and many such small things that gave me the pseudo sense of accomplishment. The sense that maybe, just maybe, I was getting better. Faster than the doc anticipated that too.

But if all dark clouds have a silver lining, then all light clothes need an inner dark layer as well. So, well here I am. Plays done. Projects completed. Depressed, scared, tired, emotional mess.

Whats more? I prided myself in my ability to be alone but never lonely. But well, hey… how can we not take that away from me as well, right? So at this point when am supposed to feel good about having accomplished what I did, all am feeling is lonely. Lonely. Gut wrenching, mind numbing, skull breaking loneliness. Like a silence so deafening, that no noise on earth can shut it out. A darkness so bright that no light can cover it up.

I still get off the bed, plaster on a smile and carry on through the day like nothing has happened. Why? Because thats all one can do.

I tried. I spoke to my friends. Went on a couple of dates. Tried online flirting. Hogging. Starving. Vegitating. Being busy. Nothing works. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

So all I can do is hope that this too, like all other clouds, passes by. Soon. Hope with all my heart. Coz this time, yes for the first time honestly… even am not sure how long I can take it!


Pretending to be myself again…

Acting as if I was who I am

Wearing the clothes that I always wear… doing the usual thing to my hair

Pretending to be myself again…

Imitating the person I’ve always been

Legally changing my name to my name… and making believe I’m exactly the same

Bunny in a bunny suit… tiger in a tiger mask

Who in the world do you think that I am? 

I suppose that depends on who you ask!

Of all the disguises I’ve ever worn

I flatter myself in the most sincere form

Still I’m kept at a distance by friends… for just pretending to be myself again

A bunny in a bunny suit… Vampire with plastic teeth

who in the world do I think that I am?

I suppose that depends on who I believe!!