To deserve or be deserved

I deserve better, he said.

But don’t you love me, I pleaded

Maybe. But what do I get? He asked

Me. I wanted to say. But if I’m not good enough… Then what good does that do, right?

Will I ever be good enough? Won’t everyone deserve better? Better than a bipolar, emotional, dysfunctional mess that I am.

It didn’t matter that he pushed me emotionally to deal with my baggage till I broke. Didn’t matter that after coping with all that and my sexual abuse alone, I returned to Bangalore and him in Jan to start living when shit hit the roof. Pregnancy. Abortion. Cat died. Best friend died. Uncle died. Doesn’t matter. Without meds or therapy I crashed and went into silence. And that’s it. He had enough. He deserves better.

What about me? What do I deserve?

What do I do to keep myself from killing myself? I asked for help. Told everyone I know I want help. I went to a psychiatrist. Have an appointment with a psychologist for next week. I’m back on meds but the depression isn’t going. I want it to go. Please make it go. I don’t want to die. But I will kill myself. Can somebody help me? Please. What can I do? My boy friend broke up with me. So I don’t have him either to call. But he knows. Everyone in my life knows that I’m asking for help. I look normal or noone is taking it seriously I think. I’m going mad. Please help.

The year so far…

I returned to Bangalore to complete food poisoning. Recovered in a few days. Kept spirits high.

Adopted 2 amazing kittens. Most loved feeling ever. For 2 weeks. Boochi and Bubbles.

Bubbles succumbed to ill health and passed away.

Realised I’m pregnant. Over a month. Thrilled.

Complications. Aborted.

Boochi fell ill. Admitted.

Boochi passes away in my lap. I made the call to end her misery while she pooped coagulated blood.

I return home. Kept spirits high. Fighting with life.

C, cafe owner meets with accident and dies.

I give up! Fuck this year. End it already. Please.

A lifetime a day

Ten days since my last post. Ten days and each day was longer than a year.

How I’m still alive and functional I’m not very sure. I know that I am. Alive and functional.

I’m proud of myself for it. For all this.

Day 9 part 3- The talk

After a short rest post the trip to the movies, we made a comfy dinner of chicken soup, fried sausages, garlic bread and scrambled eggs with ham. It’s was, like the rest of the day, fun warm and loving.

Then we sat down without distractions and spoke.

I told him about my thoughts, my plans for the future, my doubts and fears, my inhibitions, everything. He listened. Smiled. Hugged me after 2 hrs of my monologue and said Good plan. 🙂

He told me how this intent and passion is what he had seen in me the first time we met and that’s what he has been feeling I’m losing. 

We hugged and lay down and connected. He was happy. We had amazing sex. 

And I was so spent and exhausted and overwhelmed that all I could feel was like it was the end of something. Something magical and naive. The death of the innocent hopeful me. 

But guess it’s all for the good. I should start honestly internalizing and believing what I’ve been consciously accepting. My life. Just mine. My plans. My future. 

A very lonely thought, but… Atleast it’s the truth. It’s reality.

I will have this life I’ve planned out. And for my desperate need for love, I’ll fill my life with animals, plants, food, books and music. Dogs, cats, cows, horses… Even birds. They know. They understand. They love. What more do I want!

Day 9 part 2- Work fun and funny work

After breakfast, A sat to finish off his work for the day while I cleaned up listening to Tamil songs from my childhood. Suddenly the sun came out and we both rushed to the balcony to stand basking in it like dogs with their tongues out during a drive. We soaked in all the sun my apartment offers me and decided to venture out in the afternoon for a ride and movie. 

A believes and I agree that I need to try to get out more in Bangalore like I used to in Goa. However Bangalore being Bangalore makes it easy harder for me to do that. The traffic, the crowds, the dry heat and chilly colds, the judgemental people… Everything! But it’s way way easier to do it with him. Baby steps. 

So after a traditional mallu (malayali/ kerala) meal of rice, curd, sweet potato puzhukku (sweet potato boiled salt and turmeric and mixed with a ground coconut paste and garnished with heated coconut oil, chillies, curry leaves and cumin)and vendekka mizhikuvaratti (fan fried ladies finger) we went for a nice movie called Dangal at the theatre. 

We laughed, cried, hogged popcorn.I was fine. Fun even. We later went to Kalmane Cafe and had a coffee and muffin.

Now he has gotten a call from work since he is still working EST. And so like a couple of naughty teenagers, we rushed back home 🙂

Day 9 part 1- Bed, breakfast, bacon

A and I sleep in separate rooms because I have only a small cot where we can cuddle cozily but not get a proper night’s rest. So after tossing and turning through the night after a boring long Hindi movie that we watched together, I finally fell asleep. 

A woke me up around 9am for my meds and then we had a fun nice breakfast of eggs with bacon, fruit and coffee. Served on one plate, we had fun sharing and fighting for the nice pieces.

A nice start to a nice day 🙂