Questions

Whats sympathy without empathy, whats empathy without understanding and what is understanding without acceptance? What is anything really without something else? And when you get something else then there is yet another thing that is needed to complete the cycle. In essence we are just like… whats that game that came free with older computers?… Pinball. Yes. We are like those metallic balls just stuck in a giant pinball machine bouncing from one electric rod to another. Then going down a long winding passage just hoping that the bat strikes on time or else, its game over!

I live in fear. Fear of realising that I have done yet another something that I shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t have done. IF… IF I was in my senses. Did I post something blasphemous on fb? Did I like something someone else posted that I wasn’t supposed to? Did I chat with someone I wasn’t supposed to? Or did I chat about something I wasn’t supposed to? Did I create yet another id and join an online dating platform to meet the same people and have the same meaningless, flirtatious conversations over and over again? Or… the worst of them all. Did I go out and live it? The promiscuous, pretentious life of a drug addicted, drunk party goer.

I lost count of the number of times I’ve woken up lying on the floor of my bedroom dressed in provocative, party wear and high heels with my lipstick smudged across my face and my eyeliner streaming down my cheeks and wondered… did I dress up and cry myself to sleep in my room, or did I return like this after a tumultuous night of partying? Do I want to know? Do I really want to know!

Sleepless and lonely, I ventured onto a dating site again. Yes, again. I have lost count of how many times I have done this in the past. Everytime with a new yet anonymous account lest I bump into someone I know.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I even hollered out to a few interesting candidates, who let me point out pinged me first. But no response. Not even one.

Is this a test? If so, of what? My patience. Coz I kid you not, its wearing thin.

My mind is clouded with incestual and disgusting thoughts. Involuntary, I assure you. And if with all the effort I can muster up, I clear my head of these thoughts, then I see spider. Everywhere. And for an arachnophobia like me, its nothing less than torture.

The sound of the doorbell, someone talking suddenly, almost every noise I hear startles me. My heart beats at a pace that makes my head rush feel slow. Where is all this leading? When will it all just stop? Or am I to make it stop? Somebody, please tell me.

With a BANG!

Its back. And how! The episodes of anxiety, fear, depression. The realisation of not having been aware of all your actions, all the time. The powelessness while doing things you realise are wrong and that you are later going to regret having done. Everything everything everything. Everything is back, and with a bang. Its like I’ve fallen 50 steps for every 1 step I moved ahead. And since I had moved so far ahead the fall has also been that bad.

Over the last 5 months or so, I have more or less been functional. Atleast in the semi social sense of the word. I have been able to handle a few work assignments that came my way. I was able to hold my own at theatre, something I am dabbling in after a long long break. I have been able to travel around the city. Manage on my own while my partner was travelling and many such small things that gave me the pseudo sense of accomplishment. The sense that maybe, just maybe, I was getting better. Faster than the doc anticipated that too.

But if all dark clouds have a silver lining, then all light clothes need an inner dark layer as well. So, well here I am. Plays done. Projects completed. Depressed, scared, tired, emotional mess.

Whats more? I prided myself in my ability to be alone but never lonely. But well, hey… how can we not take that away from me as well, right? So at this point when am supposed to feel good about having accomplished what I did, all am feeling is lonely. Lonely. Gut wrenching, mind numbing, skull breaking loneliness. Like a silence so deafening, that no noise on earth can shut it out. A darkness so bright that no light can cover it up.

I still get off the bed, plaster on a smile and carry on through the day like nothing has happened. Why? Because thats all one can do.

I tried. I spoke to my friends. Went on a couple of dates. Tried online flirting. Hogging. Starving. Vegitating. Being busy. Nothing works. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

So all I can do is hope that this too, like all other clouds, passes by. Soon. Hope with all my heart. Coz this time, yes for the first time honestly… even am not sure how long I can take it!

Myself…

Pretending to be myself again…

Acting as if I was who I am

Wearing the clothes that I always wear… doing the usual thing to my hair

Pretending to be myself again…

Imitating the person I’ve always been

Legally changing my name to my name… and making believe I’m exactly the same

Bunny in a bunny suit… tiger in a tiger mask

Who in the world do you think that I am? 

I suppose that depends on who you ask!

Of all the disguises I’ve ever worn

I flatter myself in the most sincere form

Still I’m kept at a distance by friends… for just pretending to be myself again

A bunny in a bunny suit… Vampire with plastic teeth

who in the world do I think that I am?

I suppose that depends on who I believe!!

Craving an addiction

I just realised that I am craving for an addiction. Something I need so desperately that I can stop feeling guilty for wanting it. I am incapable of being addicted as I am strong enough to fight the urge for mostly anything. And this is why its dangerous. Coz now, am just pushing myself to try things that will get me hooked.

Where will this chase lead me? How do I plan to harm myself next?

Only time will tell.

PS: Back to flirting, teasing and guilty pleasures. This time knowingly with a married guy. But if he has an adrenaline addiction why should I feel guilty, right? Yeah right!!

Love

I want a child. To hold, to love to comfort. To give it everything it needs. To make it a good human being. To teach it morals and values that I never had. To also let it free… to make mistakes, to learn from them. To be there only to help get up everytime it falls. To show patience even if it repeats the mistakes. To be  a listening ear for it to cry its woes to. To be a strong shoulder for it to lean on. To be the momma bear when it needs. I might be selfish. But I want a child for me.

Or maybe I just need food. Loads of it.

Junking spree begins. Oh wait. It never ended!