Like with every cycle, after sheer exhaustion from being anxious and worked up for a couple of days, I crashed and slept. Was feeling very feverish and so kept going back to sleep. From 4am till 2:30pm. When I finally woke up and decided to eat.
I went over to C’s place with bread and a yumm beef curry and we chatted over a hot cup of tea. After discussing for over an hour about our respective situations, she left to finally run her errands and me to get ready and head to the cafe.
Feeling energetic but not hyper, productive and very sorted. I will use the tracker to make sure i understand my pattern or symptoms and find work arounds.🙂
I’ve been meaning to do this forever so that I can figure out patterns or symptoms before the get bad and deal with them. However I never got down to doing it regularly. So starting today.
These are the categories I could think of, if you can suggest anymore or any alternatives, please do.
-3, -2, -1, 0, 1, 2, 3. 0 being normal.
Energy: Moderate -1
Depression: Average, mostly caused by anxiety. -1
Mania: Only in thoughts caused by anxiety. 1
Anxiety: Very very high. 3
Food: Managed after moderate effort. Mostly junk. -2
Exercise: No. -3
Medication : No. But almost succumbed. 0
Sleep: Very little, 3hrs total. though the power failure added to the inability to. -1
Activities: Minimal. Played game to calm down, watched series. Going to cafe in a bit. -1
Abilities: Able to do most things if pushed. Anxiety being constraint. -1
Misc: Came to the cafe now. Easily irritable and hungry. Very sleepy.
If I beat my head repeatedly with a hammer or baseball bat till it gets bashed in, will the thoughts stop? Including the one telling it to stop.
I can’t. I’m not able to deal with my baggage and still be ok. I’m trying. Going beyond my fears. Understanding what he means despite his tone or mood even though it kills me. But the anxiety is killing me.
I can’t stop crying. Or being worked up. I can’t sleep and the power cut from 3am till 10am didn’t help.
I’m going crazy. I’m sorry I tried but I can’t. I want to but everything adds to my symptoms.
I know he wants to help and on most days he can. But he is human. With his own swings and needs.
On those days I understand him not helping. But his tone just pierces my heart.
What do I do? Not talk to him on those days? Keep distance and take care of ourselves?
But what about his needs then? Wanting support or a shoulder to rest on from his partner? What about all that?
Maybe I should go back to therapy. And medication.
God, I need a massage. Need it!
If he believes I don’t deserve another chance then he will leave me. It’s ok. Adult life, my mistakes, shit happens! I’ll learn. Maybe work on myself before getting into a relationship. Maybe be alone. Whatever.
But fretting about whether he will and bugging him incessantly when he has asked for time is extremely selfish. Extremely so. I hurt him and can’t even give him time to recover. Why? Because some people fucked me up. So? Why is he paying the price?
All logical. But what to do about this anxiety that’s driving me crazy? My blood is jittery enough to boil. I’m barely breathing. I’m on the verge of a panic. I’m so restless that I’ve stripped off all my clothes coz I don’t want anything touching me.
I want him. I want to hear his voice. I want to say sorry and beg for forgiveness.
I need to freaking calm down and try to sleep.
What am I doing? I’m hurting the people that care for me because of baggage from the people who never did. How does that make any sense?
I keep talking about wanting someone who is kind and nice and understanding to help me overcome all my inhibitions and insecurities. But why?
Am I doing enough? To get over all that and move on. To not hurt them while they are trying to help me and end the effects of the ripples somewhere?
Why should someone else who has never hurt me be responsible for all this?
I’m glad I have people who care. I want one more chance to show that I appreciate that and don’t take it for granted. I will work harder.
Please life, don’t give up on me now.
I have so much baggage that affects everything all the time! Fuck this shit!