A fresh start

Shaved off my hair. Was timed to match my surgery but was done for a zillion reasons other than the surgery. Want to get rid of everything I possibly can from my past. Want a fresh start this coming year.

Want to start without the inhibitions, doubts, questions, anything I had earlier. Try things with an open mind. Things can’t get worse than this year’s been, right?

The fears that always held me back… Here’s to breaking them.

Conventional. Unconventional. Married. Divorced. Tall. Short. Slim. Fat. Pretty. Smart. Stupid. Ugly. Bipolar. Girl. Indian. Dark. Fair. Educated. Rich. Poor. Whore. Slut. Rebel… Here’s to a tagless, happier, unbranded 2018!!

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Venomous journey

A little to the left he leaned.

My rickshaw driver. 

Trying hard to see ahead of the car blocking his view

No use.

Turning his handle bar all the way to the left, he inched forward.

As did the car in front.

And the one in front and the one in front

So my smart Alec driver moved all the way to the right

As did the car in front

And the one in front and the one in front

And all the vehicles swayed left and right as they inched forward

Crawling towards their common goal

Like a slithering snake through wet grass

Rythmic though the movements were

Can’t help but wonder, where is the poison sac?

Long drawn suicide…

Empty wrappers in my hand

One a day saves my life

Together, they will end my strife.

Hang in there. Help is on its way, they say.

Please! Who will keep me from myself away?

Breathe. Go slow. Take it day by day.

Cuts and bruises on my arm

Please wake me up from this nightmare, dear alarm

Or send me as well, to that far away farm.

Lonely

I have noone to even ping in frustration. No friends to reach out to vent or cry or even talk to. Tried catching up with a friend recently but turns out that other than girl talk or having fun, I can’t talk to her.

C is dead. So other than msging on her number on WhatsApp, there is nothing I can do. I try talking out loud to her.

Am I doomed to be alone for life? If so how do I come to terms with it?

Why did he come into my life, hurt me like all the others and then leave? And now act like he is the victim. Victim of what? 

I thought I was better. That I was making better decisions. Choosing better human beings.

I was so wrong. I made the same mistake.

Instead of physical or sexual abuse, I found a partner who is emotionally​ abusive. Very. That’s another tick in that column!

Actually no. I’m not sad. I’m angry. Pissed off at him for being such a douche. And myself for falling for it.

The story goes on…

She had a horrible childhood. Then a shitty husband who didn’t live up. So when along came a son who was loud and overbearing and a natural leader, she looked up to him. He became and still remains the man in her life.

I was born next. What did I do wrong, that instead of a mom, I got a sister. Who played house with me… To keep him happy.

Today I’ve not had a second of rest. So… I’m going back to my place. Where emotions can be genuine and love isn’t fake. Where my pillows become my family and the soul of C and boochi my saviours. Where if I really want to, I can end it all… Without guilt. 🙂