Stop. Rewind. Repeat.

Why do I do this to myself? Over and over and over and over again… Like a giant wheel that refuses to stop. I see the same sights. Sights that once enticed me with the adrenaline rush of being something new, good bad it ugly… Today kill me with the repetitiveness. One would think that I’d be numb to it by now… Like an album song that suddenly becomes viral and is literally everywhere including as the background score to your dream. But no… I’m not numb. I’m still affected. And badly. But yet I do nothing to change it. Or maybe I do, but I don’t do enough. It’s like I enjoy the torture.

Be is being affected by other’s comments or opinions, finding abusive partners, making plans and failing… Everything is on loop mode. Like the playlist you once created on your old ipod that you’ve been too lazy to change and now the familiarity breeds as much contempt as it does happiness.

Should stop. Should say enough. Until then, let the masochist in me enjoy. Sorry girl. He wins again.


A fresh start

Shaved off my hair. Was timed to match my surgery but was done for a zillion reasons other than the surgery. Want to get rid of everything I possibly can from my past. Want a fresh start this coming year.

Want to start without the inhibitions, doubts, questions, anything I had earlier. Try things with an open mind. Things can’t get worse than this year’s been, right?

The fears that always held me back… Here’s to breaking them.

Conventional. Unconventional. Married. Divorced. Tall. Short. Slim. Fat. Pretty. Smart. Stupid. Ugly. Bipolar. Girl. Indian. Dark. Fair. Educated. Rich. Poor. Whore. Slut. Rebel… Here’s to a tagless, happier, unbranded 2018!!

Venomous journey

A little to the left he leaned.

My rickshaw driver. 

Trying hard to see ahead of the car blocking his view

No use.

Turning his handle bar all the way to the left, he inched forward.

As did the car in front.

And the one in front and the one in front

So my smart Alec driver moved all the way to the right

As did the car in front

And the one in front and the one in front

And all the vehicles swayed left and right as they inched forward

Crawling towards their common goal

Like a slithering snake through wet grass

Rythmic though the movements were

Can’t help but wonder, where is the poison sac?

Long drawn suicide…

Empty wrappers in my hand

One a day saves my life

Together, they will end my strife.

Hang in there. Help is on its way, they say.

Please! Who will keep me from myself away?

Breathe. Go slow. Take it day by day.

Cuts and bruises on my arm

Please wake me up from this nightmare, dear alarm

Or send me as well, to that far away farm.


I have noone to even ping in frustration. No friends to reach out to vent or cry or even talk to. Tried catching up with a friend recently but turns out that other than girl talk or having fun, I can’t talk to her.

C is dead. So other than msging on her number on WhatsApp, there is nothing I can do. I try talking out loud to her.

Am I doomed to be alone for life? If so how do I come to terms with it?

Why did he come into my life, hurt me like all the others and then leave? And now act like he is the victim. Victim of what? 

I thought I was better. That I was making better decisions. Choosing better human beings.

I was so wrong. I made the same mistake.

Instead of physical or sexual abuse, I found a partner who is emotionally‚Äč abusive. Very. That’s another tick in that column!

Actually no. I’m not sad. I’m angry. Pissed off at him for being such a douche. And myself for falling for it.