Its really very weird. I’m not entirely sure if I have any or not. On one hand I feel nothing. Just numb. Nothing can penetrate through this thick opaque layer of numbness that envelops me. On the other hand I feel this intense soul crushing pain. A pain so deep within, so internal and eternal that it stops feeling like pain at all. Its almost like a part of me. It belongs. Stoned with medication or ecstatic momentarily with actual happiness, when I cant feel the pain I panic. Its like a part of me has gone missing. I also panic because I know it will find me eventually, even if I dont go searching. And when it does it will take revenge. Hit me back so hard that it will take a while for me to even…
Hmmm… What am I talking about? This pain that I keep talking about is not pain. Its an amalgamation of all the emotions I have ever felt in my life. No. Of all the emotions I never allowed myself to feel in my entire life. Emotions that arouse within me and were subdued just before they could come gushing out… Like the tear drop that wells up in your eye when you hear something indirectly offensive to you and you wipe it away before it can embarrass you in public. What if all those unshed tears were collected in a reservoir waiting for a day when you could let them out little by little? What if the wait gets too long and then you have no more control over the stability of the dam thats holding it back?
Thats how I’ve been feeling. Anger, hatred, sadness, hurt, irritation, disappointment, loneliness everything that I for years masked with ease now take turns at punching me in the gut. Just to remind me that they are still there, waiting for me to take time out from pleasing the world and deal with them one by one.
But now its too late. They dont want to be dealt with one at a time. They have coagulated and set into this concrete block of pain that lies undigested within me, regurgitating everything from the past and present, resolved and unresolved at every given excuse. The nauseousness they seem to revel at causing is enough to make me want to stuff myself with food to stop myself from throwing up.
I want it all to end. I want this numbness to go so that I can finally start living, feeling, being alive. But I also want to stop feeling all this. The pain, the anguish, the hurt, the hatred, the malevolence, the despicable need to seek revenge… not justice, just revenge. I want it all to stop.
Then what? Feel nothing? Isnt that what I feel anyway? And if that is what I feel then how am I feeling anything? And if I am switching between these two states then isnt that exactly what I say I want. To feel and not to feel. Unlike Hamlet, I dont have to choose. I have both. Kudos to me!