Out of desperation..

Made a deal with the ex’s friend for a no strings attached, long distance relationship. More for the sake of companionship. But whats the fun in that right? Logged on to a new dating site. One with fewer weirdos and better filtering mechanism based on a giant questionnaire. 

Filling out the profile got me excited, responding to the several msgs I got kept me going. Excitement built up… Filtering continued. But slowly I started letting my guard down. From being completely anonymous, I started with sharing my name… then what I do… so on till I explained almost everything about me to 2 total strangers. God alone knows what stopped me from sharing my surname. Guess, my subconscious does try its best to look out for me.

Luckily for me, both the guys seemed to be sensible, level headed and non dangerous.

Well, tomorrow is a new day. Lets see what madness I set off onto.

PS: to try and redirect my promiscuity, I even started writing an erotica pros. It keeps me preoccupied for a brief period of time but honestly how enthralling can that really be, right!

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As fate would have it..

… Around midnight a friend pings. An ex’s friend. In about 15 mins I bring the conversation to revolve around topics I find interesting. The thrill is higher coz I know he is resisting. His friend, my ex (now married). He is abroad. It all feels wrong.

I made the noose, threw the lasso… all thats left is roping him in. He succumbs slowly. And I begin to lose interest. I fake enthusiasm. He peaks. I excuse myself after being politely sweet and loving enough for an Indian girl.

I log on to an anonymous profile on a dating site. Several guys ping. I pick the one who speaks the best english. Seems interesting. A lecturer he says, in psychology. I am hooked. The chat continues. Am getting interested. My heart starts racing… 

He asks me how I look? And if I am up for some fun.

I shut down and cry myself to sleep.

50gms of cheese balls. 2 guys. My virtual walk of shame!

Vent

Ran out of medicines last night. Had one late this morning before emotions came crashing at me like tides during a tsunami. Slept through the day. Woke up in the evening and was as well behaved as a convent educated finishing school attendee. 11pm now, and its back. The mood swings, the anger, the hatred, the irritation, the love, the inability to accept the unfairness of life, the extremely uncontrollable need to flirt, promiscuity, the insatiable hunger for junk food… everything. Its all back.

Do I troll the net for unsuspecting victims? Do I cry myself into slumber? Do I dive into a pile of junk food and watch some crap till the wee hours in the morning? 

I just want it all to end. These phases, this irritation, this desperation, this sluttiness, this helplessness. I just want to feel normal. Whom do I talk to? Where do I go? What do I do?

Hell, fuck it all!

I was diagnosed…

10th September 2012

11 months and 12 days back I was diagnosed with a cocktail of conditions that made my world stop.
. Soft bipolar with frequent extreme peaks
. Cluster personality disorder B and traits of A
. Borderline personality disorder
. Dis-associative identity disorder

Getting distracted and bored easily, living simultaneously in a parallel universe, switching between extremes in likes and dislikes or then not having either and not having real time awareness of all my actions should have sent warning signals to everyone around me, who knew even a bit of psychology, that something was wrong somewhere.

But being brought up in a small town in India, from an extremely creative family and being part of the media industry and of course being a girl with PCOD (poly-cystic ovarian disorder) sort of excused most of my behaviour… that is till things went out of control.

Many people are born with many different conditions. Hereditary and otherwise. Only when these cripple them from functioning in a socially acceptable fashion does it fall under being a problem and require some form of medical assistance.

Therein lies my problem. My ‘this’ personality (where am aware right now… lets call it personality X) was stronger for the majority of my life and it always managed to dorne a perfectly acceptable mask. Its only been over a year or 2 since things slowly started slipping out of my control. And over the last one year, things have been far from anyone’s.

Disgustingly disturbing fights, separation after 5 years of marriage, promiscuous behaviour, melodramatic outburts in public, panic attacks and several similar embarrassing experiences drove me to a counselor’s office.
Must be STRESS, I thought. My reasoning for all problems.

Quickly bored with my psychologist’s IQ, I went to a psychiatrist and then to a psychoanalyst/ hypno-therapist. And that is finally where I found answers. Answers to questions I didnt even know I could ask out loud. Freedom to express emotions I couldnt even allow myself to feel completely.

I heaved a sigh of relief. I am normal. Hell! I am better than normal. I am a textbook case of this cocktail of conditions. I know thats not the most positive thing but its a very optimistic thought that if I am a text book case, then I can be cured. There are others like me and they have been studied.

This got me thinking about all the others who might be going through similar difficulties and situations and conditions, who firstly dont understand that its normal to feel and think several things that might suddenly just pop into their head.. and secondly might not have any access to help. There are several sites explaining each of the conditions I mentioned above, but this is not a medical blog. Its a diary. A diary of a girl with a condition.

This is me trying to reach out. If you relate to any of the posts or thoughts, then what you are going through might be an easily solvable problem. Stretch out if you want help. If not, read on and feel less lonely… but still unique and special.

For despite the pains I have had to endure thanks to this, I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world!