10th September 2012
11 months and 12 days back I was diagnosed with a cocktail of conditions that made my world stop.
. Soft bipolar with frequent extreme peaks
. Cluster personality disorder B and traits of A
. Borderline personality disorder
. Dis-associative identity disorder
Getting distracted and bored easily, living simultaneously in a parallel universe, switching between extremes in likes and dislikes or then not having either and not having real time awareness of all my actions should have sent warning signals to everyone around me, who knew even a bit of psychology, that something was wrong somewhere.
But being brought up in a small town in India, from an extremely creative family and being part of the media industry and of course being a girl with PCOD (poly-cystic ovarian disorder) sort of excused most of my behaviour… that is till things went out of control.
Many people are born with many different conditions. Hereditary and otherwise. Only when these cripple them from functioning in a socially acceptable fashion does it fall under being a problem and require some form of medical assistance.
Therein lies my problem. My ‘this’ personality (where am aware right now… lets call it personality X) was stronger for the majority of my life and it always managed to dorne a perfectly acceptable mask. Its only been over a year or 2 since things slowly started slipping out of my control. And over the last one year, things have been far from anyone’s.
Disgustingly disturbing fights, separation after 5 years of marriage, promiscuous behaviour, melodramatic outburts in public, panic attacks and several similar embarrassing experiences drove me to a counselor’s office.
Must be STRESS, I thought. My reasoning for all problems.
Quickly bored with my psychologist’s IQ, I went to a psychiatrist and then to a psychoanalyst/ hypno-therapist. And that is finally where I found answers. Answers to questions I didnt even know I could ask out loud. Freedom to express emotions I couldnt even allow myself to feel completely.
I heaved a sigh of relief. I am normal. Hell! I am better than normal. I am a textbook case of this cocktail of conditions. I know thats not the most positive thing but its a very optimistic thought that if I am a text book case, then I can be cured. There are others like me and they have been studied.
This got me thinking about all the others who might be going through similar difficulties and situations and conditions, who firstly dont understand that its normal to feel and think several things that might suddenly just pop into their head.. and secondly might not have any access to help. There are several sites explaining each of the conditions I mentioned above, but this is not a medical blog. Its a diary. A diary of a girl with a condition.
This is me trying to reach out. If you relate to any of the posts or thoughts, then what you are going through might be an easily solvable problem. Stretch out if you want help. If not, read on and feel less lonely… but still unique and special.
For despite the pains I have had to endure thanks to this, I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world!