The a b c… how it all began (part-I)

Caught between the devil and the deep sea- my current condition! As the expression suggests, having just either one in your life isnt a problem… but having both… switching between them… being caught between them is what makes all the difference.

To understand my current condition better, I shall start from the very beginning.

I come from a nuclear family with 4 members. Growing up, my elder brother and I were quite close. When and how we slowly but surely drifted apart, I dont know. My parents were unofficially separated, which meant they stayed in the same house but upstairs and downstairs, since time immemorial. I remember finding it quite normal as a kid and infact feeling a little embarrassed while visiting friends whose parents shared a room.

I was 9 when I realised that things at home were not normal. The tension in the air was palpable. Dad would sleep, mom would try to be a super woman and bro would go out to play. I used to dream. Of being a grown up… of being alone… of being surrounded by unconditional love. Dont get me wrong… I was surrounded by love. And loads of it. Infact there is more love in my family despite it being dysfunctional than in most normal families. But there was also a lot of stress and tension and sadness and hurt and so much emotional baggage that there was no need for a carpet. This thick layer was good enough.

Initially I used to pray. My granny (being a Brahman and a religious one at that) told me that god always listens to children. Especially Shiva, if you recite his prayers religiously. I remember trying that for a while before I gave up in vain. Then I just used my small puja space as a corner where I could go and cry and beg and pray for things to become ok at home. I dont know why every small fight affected me the way it did. I just know that it did. I dreamt a lot. Lived in a parallel universe. Had friends for a while. Stayed alone for a while. Learnt dance and a percussion instrument for a long while. Everything gave me temporary happiness. Nothing lasted. Nothing made anything better. Life sucked and felt like it would suck forever!

Around this time, I befriended a neighbour’s uncle. He was young (late 20s), cool and loads of fun. I called him Joker and I introduced him to my folks. Slowly but surely everyone took to him. Adored him, loved him. He became more a part of my family than the neighbour’s. He hung out with us, cheered everyone up, took us all out. There was a brief stint when things felt like they might just get better. But guess some part of this improvement existed only in my mind. Either way, things soon went back to their normal fucked up state. Joker however continued being our family friend. He became progressively closer to mom. And one night he decided to stay back coz it was too late to drive back.

With mom in the room downstairs, dad and bro in one room each upstairs… mine was the only room big enough and with a spare bed. Considering I was young and he was MY friend, without much thought he was assigned there. We were watching a movie at the comp before we all went to bed. Dad retired early, bro next… leaving mom, me and him. He was sitting on a chair and I was on a step next to him. As the night progressed, I dozed off leaning against his chair. I remember waking up much later to a feeling that wasnt very alien to me. My heart was beating faster, my breath shorter and there was something… something that I couldnt really put my finger on… a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something I have felt before when a certain someone used to wrestle with me. Or start wrestling with me and then …

Sleeping arrangements fixed, I was taken up and put to bed. I tried wiping off the feeling and tried my best to behave normally. But I looked at him differently. And I knew he could tell. He was just playing with my lips… but that was all that was needed. My lips were responding. On bed, I calmed down and tried to fall asleep. But there was one part of me that was craving… for that feeling once more. I counted sheep, I tossed around and finally dozed off realising nothing was going to happen and he was probably just patting my face and I misunderstood it. A while later I wake up feeling his breath near me. He was trying to feel me under the pretext of massaging me. I acted asleep. He would keep massaging and then let his hand slightly wander. Guess he couldnt muster up the courage to try on anything full fledged. Since I continued pretending to be asleep, I had my eyes shut and like any kid I kept dozing off with sheer fatigue. This went on almost through the night till I woke up once with my heart pounding really hard. I could feel my bp rise and my breathing hastening… and suddenly my body relaxed. I didnt know what had happened. I just knew I felt disgusted and tired and extremely violated. I pushed his hands away a few times till he got the hint and then silently cried myself to sleep.

An Optimistic Jump!

Tired of the pessimistic atmosphere I have so conveniently created around me and snuggled into… I decided to see all the good things I have going for me right now. And trust me, there are quite a few.
Confused about who i am, what I want and several such things like Ms Runaway Bride herself, this is my chance to rediscover myself at 28. And yes, it isnt too late. Its a different story that I turn 29 in 2 months and havent done a single thing I wanted to by now. And that once am done with the discovering, am not sure anyone around me will be comfortable with who I am. Hell, dont think i’ll relate to the new me, myself.
Is scary… yet exciting!
Having hit close to rock bottom, all I can look is up. There is nowhere else to go. So have the relief of knowing that things are now going to get better… and soon.
A break in career and an all time financial low helps me make a shift in my line of work if I want to. Anyway am starting from scratch. So, thats a good thought 🙂
Have an awesome place to stay for 2 months at a considerably low rent thanks to some friends. Sitting in the 15th floor balcony mid day, staring at cloudy skies, listening to Zeb and Haniya and sipping on coffee has a charm I cant really explain. Am sure many people I know would give anything to get to spend a few days like this.
Despite the terrible heartbreak, having a friend (ex-husband) to talk to, confide in and help sort my mind out on and off is a luxury I think very few people enjoy!
So thank you life for all this… and much more. Will stop now, before the pessimistic me takes over once again and rants off to glory!
Thank you 🙂

Virtual Reality!

It is so easy to be ‘available’ online and fake happiness. Its so easy to say am fine and there is nothing to worry. Its so easy to chat about random topics with friends and family and goof around enough to convince people that all is right. That I am hale and hearty, fine and dandy!

Whats not fine? Accepting the fact that people buy that bullshit!! Do they really think am fine? Do they really not care enough to see that am faking it? Are they so busy in their own worlds that me faking happiness just puts them at ease and they feel that all is well? Or do they really think am making a mountain out of a mole hill and should be fine by now? After all who can put up with more than a month of someone’s cribs right?!!
Well, am not fine. I wasnt fine all these years when I acted fine. Am not fine now. And I wont be for a long long time. It will take time and effort. And since noone has either to invest in me, I shall fake it. Fake it to anyone and everyone who pretends to give a damn! After all, am only doing what you are doing… being fake!!

Law of Averages

Trick is to reduce the time between peaks, right? 
Not to normalize the highs and lows to a steady state of numbness!
I have averaged out all the hurt and the happiness I can feel anymore. So all I feel is numbness. Like one does with an audio clip while editing. Normalise and hardlimit till all you have is a rectangle box with no emotions!
Whats sad is that I realised this is how most of the people around my lead their life. They sail through calm waters like a happy captain unaware of the fun life could give them, if only they would let it.
I say whats the fun in that??? I want the crazy ass storms..I want the melancholy calms… I want the indecisive inbetweens when I dont know whats coming up next! Damn it… I need them!

Breakupum Shakeupum

Uninspiring as the dreamum-wakeupum song might be… the title is completely apt for the effed up state my life is in right now. Yes, I have had breakups before and no, I don’t remember having created such a scene about getting over it. But this was no ordinary break up. This was epic. And presumably so is my resultant depression!
I am nearly broke, jobless, mind fucked, to-be-divorced and as close to committing ‘social suicide’ as I would ever want to be.

Needed a stimuli to crack my wall. Something that would open the dams and let out the stale water!

Hurt, pain, emotions bottled up since childhood… just waiting for something or someone to relax me enough to open up. Every time I let one finger loose in my fist of life, I tighten the other 9. 
Today I got a chance…. All my memories packed in 15 boxes lands on my door step. 
Looking at me… judging me… reminding me of everything that happened. And instead of being numb I actually break down. I begin bawling my eyes out. Found someone I can actually talk to… and want to open up to… But Alas! I cant have that much leeway now, can I? 
Dad is reaching in an hour and I need to be presentable. So once again we postpone being human for another day! Kudos world. Good job!!
This virtual tracker (though set on a financial countdown mode) is my way of keeping me sane. A place for me to vent without being judged or criticized or even advised. Its also my way of keeping track of my life right now… when days seem to pass without me realising and months end while I wait for weekends… and the only thing keeping my grounded is my current savings amount and the desp need for me to get a job.
This is me trying to not let the current emotional tsunami end up destroying any chance of a normal life I might have in the future.
 
Right now all I am feeling is boxed in! 5yrs of my life packed into 15 boxes. Memories in boxes, boxes you into memories! 
A corner from where escaping feels like mammothian task! 
One that I definitely am not up for… especially now when all I want to do is sit on my couch in my pajamas watching tv till I rust!

Time to change…

A new year… A new month… A new day… A new moment…

An awesome time for a new start!

How many times have I said this to myself? …To friends… to the whole world?

Well, now is the time for actual change!

The last few months passed in a blur of activity! Shifting base, illness at home, fights, and what nots… Currently its like the calm after a storm. And my god, its awkward.

I have no clarity… no focus… no clue what to do when, how, where, why… nothing! Am blank. Like the blackboard before class begins. Good news is… this gives me a chance to a fresh start. A chance to figure out exactly all this- why, what, when, where, how…

How many people get this chance? How many people realise the lack/need of an opportunity like this? How many people lead their lives just surviving from one day to another without feeling the need to figure out anything? Does everyone have these doubts? These questions regarding existence.. society… life… its meaning… Do they ignore them or contemplate during their drunken expeditions and move on the next day? Am I making a big deal about something thats really so commonplace, that noone sees any point in talking about it?

Why am I unable to join the masses of people who live, happily that too… and have nothing except mundane worries regarding gold affordability or house loans? Why am I not able to simplify things? Or am I simplified by not being part of the crowd? Are my thoughts what will help me go to another level as opposed to the million others who exist?

I need a break… A sabbatical from life!