Breakupum Shakeupum

Uninspiring as the dreamum-wakeupum song might be… the title is completely apt for the effed up state my life is in right now. Yes, I have had breakups before and no, I don’t remember having created such a scene about getting over it. But this was no ordinary break up. This was epic. And presumably so is my resultant depression!
I am nearly broke, jobless, mind fucked, to-be-divorced and as close to committing ‘social suicide’ as I would ever want to be.

Needed a stimuli to crack my wall. Something that would open the dams and let out the stale water!

Hurt, pain, emotions bottled up since childhood… just waiting for something or someone to relax me enough to open up. Every time I let one finger loose in my fist of life, I tighten the other 9. 
Today I got a chance…. All my memories packed in 15 boxes lands on my door step. 
Looking at me… judging me… reminding me of everything that happened. And instead of being numb I actually break down. I begin bawling my eyes out. Found someone I can actually talk to… and want to open up to… But Alas! I cant have that much leeway now, can I? 
Dad is reaching in an hour and I need to be presentable. So once again we postpone being human for another day! Kudos world. Good job!!
This virtual tracker (though set on a financial countdown mode) is my way of keeping me sane. A place for me to vent without being judged or criticized or even advised. Its also my way of keeping track of my life right now… when days seem to pass without me realising and months end while I wait for weekends… and the only thing keeping my grounded is my current savings amount and the desp need for me to get a job.
This is me trying to not let the current emotional tsunami end up destroying any chance of a normal life I might have in the future.
 
Right now all I am feeling is boxed in! 5yrs of my life packed into 15 boxes. Memories in boxes, boxes you into memories! 
A corner from where escaping feels like mammothian task! 
One that I definitely am not up for… especially now when all I want to do is sit on my couch in my pajamas watching tv till I rust!
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