DONT!

Dont touch me. Leave me alone. Everyone! Just. please.

2 months since house hasnt been visitor free for more than a week continuously. 2 months since I saw my doctor and goodness knows how many months more before I can find a new one coz mine left. Might not be a GREAT job but I’ve been doing a good enough job of being as normal as I can. Small victories. Yaaaaay!

Now its all getting to me. I want everyone and everything to fuck off. I want nothing and noone to touch me. Unless its a random stranger and its only to make out.

I cant deal with anymore. I dont want to. I am done!

Confession

Given the amount I have been sharing here, this confession is no biggie. Esp considering that everyone by now would have figured out that I am selfish.

My ex husband still loves, and I love him. Now I am incapable of being a wife, so we arent in a relationship. But he still does everything in his capacity to help me. Be it financial, emotional, physical… or any other. 

I feel extremely guilty about asking him for help. And I honestly very rarely do. But he offers when he thinks I need. Sometimes even when he doesnt think I need but just so I can have it easy for a bit. Initially I refused it a lot. But now I give in. I kinda enjoy it.

I know its unfair. Noone should get to reap the benefits of hard work that they havent done. I do. And I try stopping myself. But I cant.

He is a sweetheart and he gets absolutely nothing from me. He claims to be doing it purely out of love and without ANY expectations. But that itself is unfair right? Shouldnt he get something out of it all?

Now my confession is not that he helps me and that its unfair. It is that I am sometimes irritated. I want to enjoy all that he does for me, but I want space from him 😦

I know, am a bitch! And I know I cant tell this to anyone. Hence here. Am sorry. I have tried so hard not to think this way. Not to feel this way. But to no avail.

I confess, I suck!

Afraid to think

Who am I? What am I? Do I really think weird thoughts? Am I conjuring up these thoughts coz its fun to think that you are sick? Am I using this illness as a break coz am lazy, am afraid?

Am scared to think! Am scared to find out the reality about myself.

Somedays I feel so normal that everything else feels like a sham. Like I am tricking myself into believing all this nonsense about me coz I kinda enjoy the drama associated.

And then some other days all this feels so real, that normalcy feels like a distant dream.

Which is correct? Which is me? When will I stop switching between these 2? When will I learn to balance the two so that I can learn to lead a normal life?

When? Am afraid to think when!

The stress!

My aunt left. Dad has reached and my ex is staying here for the weekend. A friend was also supposed to, but she will come on sunday. The stress has now begun to get to me. Its wearing me down. 

I feel tired through the day and sleep mostly through it. People are getting on each other’s nerves and small arguments that they have increase my heart rate and almost send me into a panic mode.

Dont know what to do. Cant have my life upset based on other’s moods right?

Stressed!

Juggling act!

With the thoughts I have been having for a while and having acted on them recently, the anonymous online flirting I resort to every time I am low, depressed, scared or anything other than content and being happy and appreciating my ex husband’s amazing efforts in trying to help me out… life has become one big juggling act. I now feel like a circus clown.

I genuinely dont know what to do? Am trying my best to maintain a balance and not let him feel disrespected and hurt him again. But I can feel myself failing miserably. He is very close to my family and they are forever making plans with him. I try and cancel mine when he is coming over or make work excuses. Miss going online, and then grudge him.

What do I do? How much longer do I juggle?!!

Yesterdays

Like the many times its going to happen in the future, yesterday was one of those days that in retrospect seem weird and shocking.

It started off with me waking up late because of the fever and cough. I rested through the first half of the day, especially because I’d made a plan to meet someone I became friends through the same online dating site that I resort to when am desperate. Now this guy impressed me within the first 10 mins of our first conversation itself, but given the lack of clarity I have, esp while am high on adrenaline, I waited a week before even revealing my name. 2 weeks in and we decide to meet… and I suggest his place for a movie. Yes, the beginning of doom!

Despite what my family says about me needing more rest coz of the fever, I take off in the eve ignoring my friend who needs me to vent (spent 2 hours with her in all fairness) lie at home about going for theatre work and meet him. He is ofcourse chivalrous enough to drive across the city to pick me up esp coz am ill. An act that made me slightly wonder if he might be safe.

Anyways, we had an amazing time in terms of talking and then as could be presumed, we made out. Just being with him was super comfortable and his intelligence was a huge turn on. But by the time I had reached there my fever was back and hence (or I presume hence) the was no chemistry. Magic.

Anyway, the time spent together was nice. Or so I thought. He has suggested we meet up this weekend. Lets see if he follows through.

Now the friend who wanted to vent, had been introduced to another extremely close friend of mine (guy) during her last trip. This trip the 2 of them got closer. So I asked them to meet till I got free and then at night they picked me up from my date’s house. We went to her hotel room and they were kinda high. One thing let to another and she and I ended up kissing. I kissed a girl. And whats even more weird is that it didnt feel weird.

Am I bisexual? I always knew I could love a woman, but never sexually. Ever. Even now the thought sends shivers down my spine. But isnt kissing the first step? And enjoying it the second? I also remember reading that bisexuality can be a side effect of bipolar. Am I regressing then?

Hope the night had ended there, but no. The leg pulling/ daring continued till they kissed. My 2 friends. And I watched. Not kissed like a peck but full on making out. I knew I had some voyeuristic tendencies but the amount that turned me on, kinda scared me. They repeated this twice more and I was equally turned on all 3 times. In our drug addled drunk state we all made out with each other through the night.

Luckily soon the sun was up and we split ways.

Now there is nothing wrong in what hap. Esp since am sure they will be normal about it. Whats wrong is that, that was just one part of me. The other side is disgusted and bugged and super embarrassed. To cover up this am sure I’ll be even more boisterous when I meet them the next time. How long can this go on?

My doc also isnt around for me to go to for help. And hanging around ex husband (another buffer) would feel restraining after a while. What do I do? How many more yesterdays can I cry over? Helpless!