Today is not good. Neither was yest, nor the few days before that. Yes, some of it is my fault. I got involved with someone. I shouldnt have. I specifically told him that I am messed up. He is going through a bad divorce and I said am fucked and will fuck you up as well. He didnt listen and well, it took me all of 2 hours before falling in love. It took us one month to break up. One month of spending as much time as possible together. Have we broken up? I dont know. Coz he just has gone incommunicado. Yeah, he went through some shit 2 weeks back. But thats no reason to stop talking. Or to treat me badly on my bday.
One year since I have been diagnosed. So yes, I was excited. excited about my improvement. And how can I be there for you if you dont tell me whats wrong.
And now… am messed up. More than before. And yes, its your fault too. Coz I warned you. Am just collecting bits of my life back to piece them together. I didnt need this now. I explained whats wrong with me. I didnt need to be judged for being sluttish.
Now I want to dress up, expose, go out, get laid. I want to.
I want to ask him why he did what he did. But will I? No. I wont contact him… And if he does, I will act cool. Coz how can anyone know what a mess I am inside right? No no… Let him live not even realising that he has pushed me back 8 steps behind after I had taken 2 steps forward with great difficulty.
Enjoy the highs and rest in the plains. Thats the mantra to handling situations like this right?
I will eat, I will dream, I will vegitate on my couch. I will drink when I can and flirt online. I will blame him in my mind. And I will waste my life.