Today is one of those days. Am not really confused about who I am… Its the clarity with which am sure about what I want to do today that is freaking me out.
I want to dress up, wear make up, high heels, the whole deal… go out… get drunk… flirt… and get laid. Hopefully with some random stranger so that I wont have any explanations to give the next day.
I have managed the first half of getting decked up. But am controlling myself from going out. Coz despite the intensity with which I want it now, I dont think I can handle another walk of shame back home tom morning. And I will feel shame. Disgust. Hatred.
I ate. Hogged like a pig. Vegitated in front of the tv, exercised, bathed, tried sleeping… nothing works. I need help. I need distraction.
I started blogging to help people in my situation, coz I had gotten better. I had improved. But I slipped. I dont know what to do. There has been only one time last year when the urge to commit suicide was so strong in me. I know I wont. But resisting isnt easy. And def not getting any easier.