I joined my old theatre group full time. We are currently doing shadow work… We have 2 plays and am not entirely part of either. Why? I am interested. I know am a decently good actor. Everyone seems to love me and want me around all the time. Yet I somehow feel am not wanted. So I hold myself back.

Last night we had a show and it was a huge success. I was thrilled. But once I was alone, everything sucked again. I didnt want to leave. I didnt want the fun to end. I wanted more. Something more. Someone more. Just more..

My doc says I should smoke up less. I dont smoke up at all now. Maybe my meds have the same effect. And why should I smoke up less? Why? I want to smoke and smoke up and drink and be sluttish. I want to. I want to flirt. I want to be dressed up… to feel attractive. To let go and dance.

But instead… I slept the whole day today. And ever since I woke up, I watched tv and ate.

Which is a better life? Both are sick. I am sick!

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