Yesterdays

Like the many times its going to happen in the future, yesterday was one of those days that in retrospect seem weird and shocking.

It started off with me waking up late because of the fever and cough. I rested through the first half of the day, especially because I’d made a plan to meet someone I became friends through the same online dating site that I resort to when am desperate. Now this guy impressed me within the first 10 mins of our first conversation itself, but given the lack of clarity I have, esp while am high on adrenaline, I waited a week before even revealing my name. 2 weeks in and we decide to meet… and I suggest his place for a movie. Yes, the beginning of doom!

Despite what my family says about me needing more rest coz of the fever, I take off in the eve ignoring my friend who needs me to vent (spent 2 hours with her in all fairness) lie at home about going for theatre work and meet him. He is ofcourse chivalrous enough to drive across the city to pick me up esp coz am ill. An act that made me slightly wonder if he might be safe.

Anyways, we had an amazing time in terms of talking and then as could be presumed, we made out. Just being with him was super comfortable and his intelligence was a huge turn on. But by the time I had reached there my fever was back and hence (or I presume hence) the was no chemistry. Magic.

Anyway, the time spent together was nice. Or so I thought. He has suggested we meet up this weekend. Lets see if he follows through.

Now the friend who wanted to vent, had been introduced to another extremely close friend of mine (guy) during her last trip. This trip the 2 of them got closer. So I asked them to meet till I got free and then at night they picked me up from my date’s house. We went to her hotel room and they were kinda high. One thing let to another and she and I ended up kissing. I kissed a girl. And whats even more weird is that it didnt feel weird.

Am I bisexual? I always knew I could love a woman, but never sexually. Ever. Even now the thought sends shivers down my spine. But isnt kissing the first step? And enjoying it the second? I also remember reading that bisexuality can be a side effect of bipolar. Am I regressing then?

Hope the night had ended there, but no. The leg pulling/ daring continued till they kissed. My 2 friends. And I watched. Not kissed like a peck but full on making out. I knew I had some voyeuristic tendencies but the amount that turned me on, kinda scared me. They repeated this twice more and I was equally turned on all 3 times. In our drug addled drunk state we all made out with each other through the night.

Luckily soon the sun was up and we split ways.

Now there is nothing wrong in what hap. Esp since am sure they will be normal about it. Whats wrong is that, that was just one part of me. The other side is disgusted and bugged and super embarrassed. To cover up this am sure I’ll be even more boisterous when I meet them the next time. How long can this go on?

My doc also isnt around for me to go to for help. And hanging around ex husband (another buffer) would feel restraining after a while. What do I do? How many more yesterdays can I cry over? Helpless!

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