Mr Will-break-my-heart reached on tuesday. We met and yes, we had sex. It was ok. Wasnt what it was touted out to be. But in all fairness I had built up expectations over the last 2 years and well, phone sex is very arousing. In a while of us lying next to each other, we were turned on again and well, this time over it was much better.
When he called before landing, we had decided that I would be staying with him. However, in the eve he suggested that I not stay over considering that he booked himself into another hotel (where the receptionist was a prick) After a while of laying spent, we decided to have dinner. Conversation was fun and I can say this for him too unless he is an epic actor. But since we have promised each other to be blatantly honest at all times, I dont think he was lying. I was supposed to book a cab back which I didnt. I dont know why I didnt. Think I really just enjoyed being with someone. It felt nice and warm and I missed it.
We hunted for a pub and not finding one, decided to head back. He asked me to stay and the hotel just charged him slightly more. Once in the room, we spoke about random things for a bit and then hit the sack. Lying in each others arms was comfy and nice. And he mentioned that more than once. But it took us less than a few mins to get turned on again. However, by now the effects of my alcohol had gone and since emotions had crept in, I had switched. Back to this lame ass self. I was dry and just wouldnt let him in. I tried relaxing and letting go. He realised something is wrong and wanted to talk. I came up with random excuses. Said: one is, I shouldnt have stayed back and two, when will we meet again? These were not really the thoughts that were bothering me. Or were they? Am not sure.
He said he always wanted me to stay. He presumed the hotel has a problem and clearly they didnt. About the future plans, he will move into another place in a day or 2 and I should stay with him for the rest of the trip. I then confessed that this wasnt what was bothering me. He was sad that we were back to square one but then he gave up, worked on me and we had an epic time. Probably the best sex I’ve ever had. But it took effort from his side for me to open up and let him in.
Post this we cuddled for a bit and fell asleep. He was afraid of snoring but am guessing I did too. Earlier while lying next to each other I had said how difficult it is to keep emotions away from him. He said given our history emotions getting involved is inevitable. And as long as forever and exclusive are not added, its fine. And we are both on the same page there. I said, I agree but once emotions get involved everything gets difficult. And I want easy. He agreed.
Morning, we woke up and so did our libidos. But the same night episode repeated. He however worked his magic and we made love. Post this despite it being booked as a double occupancy room, I left. Thought it best to give him some space. Guess thats where I made a mistake. After that I never heard from him. The next ever I pinged him and he said he has to meet some friends but we could meet on thurs. No news on thurs and I didnt bump into him despite going to office. Friday I did bump into him but we had a very courteous few words exchanged. He said see ya and left. Office shifted him into another hotel. A barely decent place and am hoping thats the reason there was no news from him. But that doesnt explain the lack of contact via whatsapp or chat or calls.
He said bye and walked off so nonchalantly that I started hyper ventilating. I got a panic attack. I locked myself in the studio and cried my heart out. Luckily mom had a panic pill and I took one coz I couldnt explain to her the reason for my weird behaviour. I came out once most people left. I then spoke to my ex boss for over 2 hours where he convinced me that since I said no emotions, keep it that way. Dont over think. Call him if I want to meet and just be frank. We did have that equation anyway. Infact openly ask him if thats the reason he hasnt called.
I died with embarrassment. I couldnt stop crying. Why did he not call me back? Because I was dry? Because I didnt let him in? I have been sexually abused since childhood. Its my defense. Its she who is free and slutty. She slept with him. She seduced him. She used to chat with him. When she switches back to me… I am caught unaware. I need love. Not sex. I need care. Warmth. I need to be drunk to let go. I need a second chance to not let him think of me as a loser.
I mustered up the courage after watching No string attached and I pinged him. Asked if he would like to come over as mom is out. He said, hmmm lets meet next week. I’ll ask office to move me to another hotel and am here till jan.
What am I to make of it? Is he avoiding me? Is it because I sucked? Am so hurt and embarrassed. I dont know what to do. Am hoping I get another chance. And am hoping am better this time.
But why? WHy should I care? Esp about the opinion of a man who is treating me badly. Or is he treating me normally? Am I reading too much into it?
I love him. Probably I should just tell him. He will say I love you too.. But I know he doesnt mean it. He doesnt, does he? Who does? Do I?
I wont care anymore. About anyone or anything. I have to focus. On my dreams and my aspirations and my career and myself. I will just use people for sex. That’s what everyone has done to me since I was born. So well life, take it right back!
Sex sex sex. Thats it!