Everyone

Everyone I meet and talk to say they are going through the same thing. “These things are common“, they say “everyone is going through it. Just figure out a way to be normal and move on. Get a job or something.” 

Would they say the same thing if I said I had stage 2 cancer? Or diabetes? Why then is my condition so difficult to understand? Why then is it so hard to show some empathy?

Fuck them. Fuck Everyone!

New day… new doc… New life?

Found a new doc. Ex husband called one of the 2 I mentioned earlier and set up an appointment for tom. Even coming along for moral support. How sweet, right?

Am nervous. Am I fine? Is my previous diagnosis wrong? Am I different now coz of treatment for a year? Will I talk? How expensive will this be?
Am scared!

But it is a new day. A new doc. A chance at the start of a new life. Smiling, coz am kinda not done wallowing in the self pity puddles of the last one. But it is time to move on! Or is it?

Inspiration and Pride

Inspired by the stories I shared, my friend wrote an essay about the voices in my head for a writer’s workshop she is part of. A well written piece it sure was, but what struck me most was the utter confusion anyone who had to live like that would go through. Switching between personalities that leave people around confused. Doing things that leave yourself feeling vulnerable and disgusted. Inability to differentiate between reality and the activity happening inside the head. The non stop conversations and fights within…

It then struck me that despite all this and much more am doing a pretty good job of recovering. Today a play I was rehearsing for and was excited about got cancelled and then my vehicle was damaged by someone and several things went wrong one after another. I was genuinely pissed off. But I kept trying to talk myself into calming down and rationalising things. I cried a bit and was probably off sorts for about a few mins, but on the whole (considering I also havent had any rest since 2 days) I think I did quite a good job.

So, as self obsessed and egoistic as this might sound, am proud of myself. For inspiring someone to write something beautiful and for handling myself this well.

Desperately searching for a hypnotherapist. Got 2 numbers but I havent contacted them yet. I wonder why. Trying to fight an extremely strong urge to go back online to flirt.

Will I succeed? In this war between the voices in my head, who will win? When will this noisy silence end?

Lost…

Its wednesday eve, over a week since he reached. And 4 days since our last conversation. No news. I went back to online dating. I slept with someone else. I cry myself to sleep every night.

I am lost!

Sex

Mr Will-break-my-heart reached on tuesday. We met and yes, we had sex. It was ok. Wasnt what it was touted out to be. But in all fairness I had built up expectations over the last 2 years and well, phone sex is very arousing. In a while of us lying next to each other, we were turned on again and well, this time over it was much better.

When he called before landing, we had decided that I would be staying with him. However, in the eve he suggested that I not stay over considering that he booked himself into another hotel (where the receptionist was a prick) After a while of laying spent, we decided to have dinner. Conversation was fun and I can say this for him too unless he is an epic actor. But since we have promised each other to be blatantly honest at all times, I dont think he was lying. I was supposed to book a cab back which I didnt. I dont know why I didnt. Think I really just enjoyed being with someone. It felt nice and warm and I missed it.

We hunted for a pub and not finding one, decided to head back. He asked me to stay and the hotel just charged him slightly more. Once in the room, we spoke about random things for a bit and then hit the sack. Lying in each others arms was comfy and nice. And he mentioned that more than once. But it took us less than a few mins to get turned on again. However, by now the effects of my alcohol had gone and since emotions had crept in, I had switched. Back to this lame ass self. I was dry and just wouldnt let him in. I tried relaxing and letting go. He realised something is wrong and wanted to talk. I came up with random excuses. Said: one is, I shouldnt have stayed back and two, when will we meet again? These were not really the thoughts that were bothering me. Or were they? Am not sure.

He said he always wanted me to stay. He presumed the hotel has a problem and clearly they didnt. About the future plans, he will move into another place in a day or 2 and I should stay with him for the rest of the trip. I then confessed that this wasnt what was bothering me. He was sad that we were back to square one but then he gave up, worked on me and we had an epic time. Probably the best sex I’ve ever had. But it took effort from his side for me to open up and let him in.

Post this we cuddled for a bit and fell asleep. He was afraid of snoring but am guessing I did too. Earlier while lying next to each other I had said how difficult it is to keep emotions away from him. He said given our history emotions getting involved is inevitable. And as long as forever and exclusive are not added, its fine. And we are both on the same page there. I said, I agree but once emotions get involved everything gets difficult. And I want easy. He agreed.

Morning, we woke up and so did our libidos. But the same night episode repeated. He however worked his magic and we made love. Post this despite it being booked as a double occupancy room, I left. Thought it best to give him some space. Guess thats where I made a mistake. After that I never heard from him. The next ever I pinged him and he said he has to meet some friends but we could meet on thurs. No news on thurs and I didnt bump into him despite going to office. Friday I did bump into him but we had a very courteous few words exchanged. He said see ya and left. Office shifted him into another hotel. A barely decent place and am hoping thats the reason there was no news from him. But that doesnt explain the lack of contact via whatsapp or chat or calls.

He said bye and walked off so nonchalantly that I started hyper ventilating. I got a panic attack. I locked myself in the studio and cried my heart out. Luckily mom had a panic pill and I took one coz I couldnt explain to her the reason for my weird behaviour. I came out once most people left. I then spoke to my ex boss for over 2 hours where he convinced me that since I said no emotions, keep it that way. Dont over think. Call him if I want to meet and just be frank. We did have that equation anyway. Infact openly ask him if thats the reason he hasnt called.

I died with embarrassment. I couldnt stop crying. Why did he not call me back? Because I was dry? Because I didnt let him in? I have been sexually abused since childhood. Its my defense. Its she who is free and slutty. She slept with him. She seduced him. She used to chat with him. When she switches back to me… I am caught unaware. I need love. Not sex. I need care. Warmth. I need to be drunk to let go. I need a second chance to not let him think of me as a loser. 

I mustered up the courage after watching No string attached and I pinged him. Asked if he would like to come over as mom is out. He said, hmmm lets meet next week. I’ll ask office to move me to another hotel and am here till jan.

What am I to make of it? Is he avoiding me? Is it because I sucked? Am so hurt and embarrassed. I dont know what to do. Am hoping I get another chance. And am hoping am better this time.

But why? WHy should I care? Esp about the opinion of a man who is treating me badly. Or is he treating me normally? Am I reading too much into it?

I love him. Probably I should just tell him. He will say I love you too.. But I know he doesnt mean it. He doesnt, does he? Who does? Do I?

I wont care anymore. About anyone or anything. I have to focus. On my dreams and my aspirations and my career and myself. I will just use people for sex. That’s what everyone has done to me since I was born. So well life, take it right back!

Sex sex sex. Thats it!

My mom

Always been a strong woman, my mom. Having had a tough childhood and a bad marriage herself, she has a truckload of her own problems. However, she faces all challenges upfront, much like Atilla the hun. She left my dad when she was 45 and moved to where I was studying… with less than enough for a month for both of us to live. She restarted her life then. And now, in 9 years, she has not just become a Senior Manager in an MNC… but she also managed to buy her own house.

When she heard of my problems, she took some time to understand or accept it. Esp the part about the sexual abuse during my childhood hurt her beyond what words can explain. It marked her failure as a mother… according to her.

However, once she settled down, she has been my backbone… along with my ex husband. She doesnt really understand whats wrong but she is just accepting things for the way they are and trying to adjust to it. She is also being there for me in every way she can.

She doesnt know my blog site. Nor does anyone I know. But this post is dedicated to her. For her sheer unconditional love. Thanks mom. I dont know what I would do without you.

Love you.