Masochism

For lack of a better word. I dont hurt myself physically and derive pleasure from it. Well not anymore. But I seem to do things that end up hurting me despite knowing it might. Is it for lack of better judgement? Is it coz I enjoy the drama of wallowing in self pity once hurt? I dont know.

A guy, an ex colleague, with whom I had an intimate long distance relationship is coming to town. I will be meeting him for the first time post us hooking up. Our “dating” lasted for just about a couple of months. By then the usual taken for granted feel and the distance and everything else got to us. We would occasionally flirt online. He is bipolar as well and since he is fighting the illness without any help, I always tend to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, he has hurt me several times. Emotionally. This coz he is super smooth with his moves and considering I dont need much more than an interesting/ challenging / flirtatious conversation to fall in love… I was head over heels in love with him. He also showed understanding and empathy when I needed it. 

Now its been over a year since we have broken up (if you can say that). He will be in town for a few days next week and informed me yesterday. What do I do? He wants to meet and I want to meet to. I know what it will lead to. Bed. And I dont mind it as long as there is a journey there… We meet, talk and so on… Hopefully even go on a date.

But am pretty sure he will be caught up with other things and will just call me when he needs. Am scared and sad coz I know I will go. I will knowingly go, or convince myself that its ok coz he is a bad boy and I know it and even I just want to have fun. But is it ok? Wont I still grill myself the next day? Wont I be the one with the walk of shame? Will he know the repercussions of that? Ever?

But can I be stopped? No. I know I wont listen to anyone. I know I want to go. What do I do? Talk to him and make a plan for a dinner or a date so that I feel less guilty? Hope that a divine intervention from someone up above will change the course of my predictable future? What do I do? How do I stop this masochism? Help. Advise please.

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