Why do I need structure? Why routine? Why moderate the highs and the lows? If I can enjoy the highs and make the lows productive by doing creative work during that period, then why bring in moderation and reduce the intensity of the emotions? Why make things boring and mundane and “normal”???
Because bipolar is a brain illness. The chemical imbalance in the brain causes the intensity and duration of an emotion to be higher and longer, resp, than what normal people experience. However, when the brain hits a high, it also comes crashing down. This frequent crashing and peaking is bad for the brain in the long term.
Hence its not enough to be able to work around this condition to become socially acceptable. Its also important to be able to regulate the swings to a more suitable, non damaging level.
Today during the session I almost disassociated thrice. I realised when it was going to happen and I was able to control myself from doing so. But I need to be much more in contact with my inner self, my physical body and my mind… before deeper actual issues can be tackled. Else I will just keep disassociating every time we try.
Why do these mostly simple sounding things feel so hard? Why am I getting emotional after being very sensible and rational during the session?
Why again today did I have the desperate urge to dress sluttishly? I want to expose, I want to wear make up, I want people to look at me and get turned on. I want to be disgusted with myself for wanting all this.
Whats actually happening, I dont know! Funny.
Atleast, now I know WHY!