Family session. Today, the doc decided to meet with my folks… atleast my mom and bro (whom I currently live with). He was trying to gauge the dynamics at home and understand our equations with each other as well as figure out the conditions I live in. He also wanted to rope them in to help me set up a routine and structure. This includes the way they treat me me during my manic and depressive states.
This has been one of the most trying and tiring sessions I have been to with this doc. I was emotional, I hallucinated mid session and started seeing a giant spider in the room. I broke into tears in front of them. Embarrassing.
I also found out things that are now disturbing me.
My brother has apparently heard stuff about me from sources. Who are these sources and what could he have possibly heard? I can take a wild guess… but am not sure. Now everytime I go out or want to let go and do something, am I supposed to think that someone I know might find out or hear about it? I say I dont care. But I do. The comfort was of letting go in a crowd as anonymous as this. Remove the anonymity and it holds no charm whatsoever.
This was MY city. I came here first. I reached when I was 17. I made a life for myself here. An identity for myself. People knew me for being me and NOT for being someone’s daughter or sister or anything else. My family and friends reached here much later. And now I have to leave? I am forced out of MY city. WHY? You leave. All of you leave. Get the fuck out of my city.
Or maybe I should leave. Why the city, leave the state, the county. Go to US or Australia or New Zealand . Maybe there I will get the freedom and anonymity am looking for.
Bro leaving on thursday for 10 days. Looking forward to the alone time. Till then, looking forward to Monday, when I leave the town for 4 days with an ex. Will flirt, will expose, will play mind games, will fuck his brains out… will be me!!