Desperate and irrational

3 days. 3 days I took care of mom and did everything that I could possibly do for her. Her fever, which was psychosomatic to begin with, reduced today and she is left with residual weakness. I still prepared most of the meals and even served it to her. All this despite feeling miserable with depression and cancelling all plans I had made. Plans to meet a guy who fancies me and feel wanted and admired for a while.

My therapy is to lock myself in a room and watch marathon sessions of something I like. Currently Boston Legal. Mom msged me mid episode saying she is feeling a little uneasy and would like me to go check on her. We finished dinner about 2 hours back and I had cleared up and retired to my room. I decided to finish the episode and then go, since I was already in a nasty mood and ran a huge risk of snapping at her… something that she just cannot handle.

Since I did not rush to her aid immediately, she sent me an extremely hurtful msg of being done with me. Being done with what? Putting up with my moods for 5 months? Or less!! Seriously? What the FUCK?

If she is working her ass off even now, its coz she couldnt get my bro to work when he needed to. Not to support me. I got married when I was 23. And I have been earning from when I graduated when I was 20. Why the fuck then am I responsible for her psychosomatic illness which is coz she doesnt want to go to office. Why the FUCK!!!!!

I hate her for making me feel responsible and guilty for everything. I hate my brother for not fucking doing anything he needed to, when he needed to. I hate my dad for not doing anything either. I hate them all. I hate that am a part of this fucking family. 

I am tired. I am desperate, lonely, broken. I have no voice. No strength. What little effort I have comes from the courage my friends and ex husband give me. Am struggling to take care of myself and not be a burden on anyone. Please do not add to it expectations of your own. I cannot take care of you. I cannot take care of anyone other than myself right now. Hell, I dont want to. I did more than my share. I took care of you when you are broken… when you had an affair… when you had a drug addiction… when you got divorced.

Its my turn to be taken care of. Fuck off if you cant. And fuck you for ssaying you care!


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