Visions

Sleepless and lonely, I ventured onto a dating site again. Yes, again. I have lost count of how many times I have done this in the past. Everytime with a new yet anonymous account lest I bump into someone I know.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I even hollered out to a few interesting candidates, who let me point out pinged me first. But no response. Not even one.

Is this a test? If so, of what? My patience. Coz I kid you not, its wearing thin.

My mind is clouded with incestual and disgusting thoughts. Involuntary, I assure you. And if with all the effort I can muster up, I clear my head of these thoughts, then I see spiders. Everywhere. And for an arachnophobic like me, its nothing less than torture.

The sound of the doorbell, someone talking suddenly, almost every noise I hear startles me. My heart beats at a pace that makes my head rush feel slow. Where is all this leading? When will it all just stop? Or am I to make it stop? Somebody, please tell me.

With a BANG!

Its back. And how! The episodes of anxiety, fear, depression. The realisation of not having been aware of all your actions, all the time. The powelessness while doing things you realise are wrong and that you are later going to regret having done. Everything everything everything. Everything is back, and with a bang. Its like I’ve fallen 50 steps for every 1 step I moved ahead. And since I had moved so far ahead the fall has also been that bad.

Over the last 5 months or so, I have more or less been functional. Atleast in the semi social sense of the word. I have been able to handle a few work assignments that came my way. I was able to hold my own at theatre, something I am dabbling in after a long long break. I have been able to travel around the city. Manage on my own while my partner was travelling and many such small things that gave me the pseudo sense of accomplishment. The sense that maybe, just maybe, I was getting better. Faster than the doc anticipated that too.

But if all dark clouds have a silver lining, then all light clothes need an inner dark layer as well. So, well here I am. Plays done. Projects completed. Depressed, scared, tired, emotional mess.

Whats more? I prided myself in my ability to be alone but never lonely. But well, hey… how can we not take that away from me as well, right? So at this point when am supposed to feel good about having accomplished what I did, all am feeling is lonely. Lonely. Gut wrenching, mind numbing, skull breaking loneliness. Like a silence so deafening, that no noise on earth can shut it out. A darkness so bright that no light can cover it up.

I still get off the bed, plaster on a smile and carry on through the day like nothing has happened. Why? Because thats all one can do.

I tried. I spoke to my friends. Went on a couple of dates. Tried online flirting. Hogging. Starving. Vegitating. Being busy. Nothing works. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

So all I can do is hope that this too, like all other clouds, passes by. Soon. Hope with all my heart. Coz this time, yes for the first time honestly… even am not sure how long I can take it!