You know? Do you now…

Everyone who knows that am not “well” has told me that its ok. Its no big deal. Its something most people go through. Mine is a bigger deal only because I’m under therapy and the doctors have given it a name.

Really?? Is that it?

So all of you feel turned on if you see someone grope someone else? All of you get this uncontrollable urge to make out with someone only because they are sitting extremely close to you… be it a girl or a boy… or a child or an old person? All of you feel that they have to swallow whatever they see… be it food or garbage or shit? All of you feel like you are covered with mucus because someone near you coughed or sneezed? And that the mucus is now going into your mouth and you are now actually having oral sex? Do all of you look at any random married couple and see potential victims? Victims of what you plan to subject them to? Do you? Do all of you feel so promiscuous randomly in the middle of the day or night that you are compelled to dress deliberately provocatively and go end up with random men? Do all of you feel like stuffing yourself with food so that the nausea you feel constantly goes off? Because face it, as long as food is in your mouth you cant be blowing someone, right? Do all of you feel like cutting yourself all the freaking time? Or jumping off a building just to know how it feels? And almost feeling like you are actually going to do it, all the while you might just be sitting? Do all of you feel all this? Do you?
If you don’t… don’t freaking tell someone who is “unwell” that you know what it feels like or its just a phase, it will pass. Its NOT a phase. It will NOT pass and you def DONT know what it feels like.

So do us all a favour and shut the fuck up!

Hungry kya?

Dying of hunger. Havent eaten a thing since morning. One reason is because there is nothing easy to make at home… Like bread or dosa dough. Another reason is because I’m not able to call and order food or provisions. Tried an online service but took so long that it crossed their delivery time. Cant call or go to the shop. Just sitting and felling worse by the minute. House is a huge mess. Or is it? The maid came and cleaned up. Didnt say a word to her. But then… the house must be clean no? I’m hungry. Mind fucked. Maybe I should just go back to sleep.

Reduced my ani psychotic and bipolar medication to half its previous dosage. That wrecked havoc with my system. Stopped therapy. And now the mood swings have hit. And how! Just want to curl up and die. Found a mood elevator. Panic attack pills. But expired in March. Should I still take it? How much worse can it be for my system?

Confused. Hungry. Tired. Lost… And the scariest of it all… Desperate!

Cast party tonight of a play I was part of. Should I go? Fuck myself up some more.