The silence from within…

Have you seen the cranes that are used in construction? The long necked things with a box on one side where the operator sits and the weight on the other bridged by a long metal structure. The box where the person sits has weights to balance the load being carried. Its a very precise piece of instrument. The weight and position of the box has to be just right to balance the load or else…

Have you ever imagined what would happen if the box was not there or if wasnt placed at exactly the right position for the load that it is lifting? What would happen? What happens when in life there is no box of weights to balance the load that you are carrying day in and day out? What if the load keeps getting changed and the box need to be adjusted ever so lightly but there is no operator? What if…

There are times when I feel I have never had an operator. Life has been good enough to me to balance things out… for so long. But now, I need it. Someone to manage the baggage that I have accumulated since childhood. Someone who understands. Someone who will not question me but just be there. And what happens when I find that someone? I do everything in my capacity to drive them away. And I mean everything. I really dont want them to go. Trust me when I say this. I am not doing this consciously. I want them to stay. But I cant help myself either. I want them to stay despite me being like this. I want them to stay because they want to stay. I just want them to stay.

Then why cant I just say that? Esp when they ask me repeatedly. Why? Why does it feel like  am trying to say one thing but doing something completely different? I’m trying. Really. To be different. To stop myself from driving him away.

Has it ever happened that you are trying to say a zillion things at the same time and end up saying absolutely nothing? You are crying, screaming, yelling, begging, pleading from within but no words or emotions or even expressions come out. All that you finally manage to do is smile. Hmmm… Smile. A curve that sets things straight right? Right! A wrongly timed smile can do so much more destruction than all the abuses in the world.

Maybe there is nothing that I want to tell badly enough. Maybe all these thoughts in my head arent important enough and thats why they dont come out. Maybe I am meant to die alone. And silent.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s