50 shades of gloom

Earlier I used to dislike myself. Hate isn’t a strong enough word to describe what I thought of myself. Back then anyone who showed me kindness, care, consideration, love… were all people I adored. I was eternally grateful to them for bestowing upon me some attention. Most of them were people who traded that attention for whatever they needed or wanted done. But that was enough for me. I genuinely didn’t believe I was worthy of anymore.

Love yourself and only then will people love you. I was told this by so many people that I started believing it. And… I started loving myself. Started thinking I look good. I’m decently smart. Started being proud of whatever I’ve managed to accomplish despite my brain. Loving myself just for who I am.

And now… noone loves me even remotely close to as much as I love myself. Their love seems like an after thought.

I can’t help but wonder was I better off earlier? How do you decide which is better? In this very black and white situation, what is grey?!

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