I start with the dishes. I wash all the dirty ones piled up in my sink. Then move on to clearing the floor, emptying the trash, washing a set of clothes, folding the dry ones, arranging the bed, sweeping and mopping the house, scrubbing down the bathroom… I just go on and on and I can’t stop. I clean for all the horrible things that have happened to me. I clean for being born bipolar. I clean for having a dysfunctional family. I clean for hurting the one man who really understood. I clean for all the crap I did instead of choosing the high road. I clean because I don’t know what else to do.
I finish all the work and then lie down hoping to get some rest. But with my mind buzzing with energy I’m unable to. So I decide to continue cleaning.
I take my phone out and start deleting all the unwanted numbers. The guy who will respond any time I ping. The one that’ll be up for sex or sex chat always. The one who will run over with weed anytime I call. The one who sold me to his friends. The one who insults me. The ones who hurt me. The ones who hurt me without beating me. The ones who think I’m just an easy lay. The ones who remember me only when they are horny. This one. That one. All of them.
I blocked the club manager who gives me benefits in return for flirting with him. I block the famous musician stalker who tried to make me sleep with him in return for a song his album when I was in college. I chatted with the married friend who used to flirt with me and told him politely I’m not interested anymore.
I cleaned my house, my past, my mind… in hopes of a future when in desperation I don’t again do things I’ll regret. But what about my soul? What about that one guy? When will I be clean of him?