5 days of being strong and positive and happy and having a clear head and I crash again. Had planned to go on a trip to goa… to write, see, experience, feel, find myself. I obsess about structure and rules so much in my writing or acting that they end up being grammatically correct but soulless. Thought a trip where I go explore will help me find that soul. Find meaning.
I was so excited that I decided to leave asap. And today… I crashed! I’m sad, upset, distraught, lost. Don’t know what I’m doing with myself or life or what is the point of anything. Want to desperately chop off my leg or cut my stomach. Not for attention. Just for the actual act of cutting.
Should I still go. Should I stay back and try to find a job before I go bankrupt. Should I stop depending on my ex to help me out financially. Should I just end all these questions once and for all.
Everything has turned back again. I know it’ll pass. And I know it’s good. These bad days are good too. They are part of me too. But I don’t know how many more cycles before I go completely mad. Please turn back around life. Please.