My first instinct during a mentally bad situation has always been to run away. Go clear my head and then return. My upbringing has taught me to not indulge those instincts and stay and sort things out.
So recently when the urge came to pack my bags and go stay in Goa for as long as my finances would let me… despite it making sense to the people around me I confide in… I couldn’t help but wonder whether I’m still just running away. Today I realised i was.
Being from a very superficially close knit family, I’ve never had my own space. Our house was always full of people and we weren’t allowed to close room doors. Add this ruckus to the existing chaos in my mind… and well, running away was all I could think of. After I became independent, my need to get away increased with the realisation that I had gotten myself more entangled into this web without any awareness. I had more people in my life I was answerable to, accountable to. I had no time, space or thought that was mine.
Today I have successfully managed to cut all these people off. Undo the strings that were choking me to suffocation. And I realised, I don’t need to run away to goa. I can get my space wherever I am, agnostic of the conditions around me.
I will go to goa now… to write, experience, explore… but not to run away.
Today swimming in the pool at my apartment club house which I’ve resisted going just in case I bump into humans… I took the first step to being me.