A long way…

A kind word… a gentle touch… a warm hug can all go a really long way. Someone, whether they understand it or not, appreciating you for how far you’ve come can help you more than any anti depressant. Well… almost.

But what if the people in your life are tired of your repeated failures. Your broken promises. Your pull towards self destruction. What then? What if all they want is to push you to do better. Get better. Improve. 

Do they not realise that what seem like normal progress for them are huge realisations for you? That even if your next realisation makes this one moot, it’s still a journey you’ve to go through? That this time is different because you’re actually aware… but the process is still going to be extremely difficult. That saying good job but you’ve a lot more to do isn’t really appreciation?

If I was physically disabled and climbed up half a mountain and gave up, would you shun me for the half I didn’t climb or appreciate me for even taking one step? Yes you’d push me to try again or do better next time. But wouldn’t that be after celebrating my success however small it might be?

I know this is my journey. I have to do it alone. But when I have no parents or family so to speak… is it wrong that I look at you for the support and appreciation I crave? I know it’s not fair on you. You are just human. But so am I. And I’m hurt. I want help. Protection. Appreciation.

I am working on appreciating myself. Celebrating my wins. Sometimes even my failures coz I know soon I won’t have them again so repeatedly. I have 2 mobile numbers just for me to msg myself with advice and appreciation. I talk to myself, hug myself, Pat myself on the head when I can’t control the crying… and again, for someone recovering from disassociation, it’s not an easy thing. So sometimes… just sometimes I wish i was not the only person saying kudos to myself.

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