Day 31- Punishment

I want a massage. Full body massage. I’m craving it. Have been desperately wanting it for over 5 years now. I got one in Bombay last year and I’m sure that’s what gave me the strength to get over medication and therapy. It relaxes me and makes my blood not feel like it’s bubbling right under my skin.

They are expensive and indulging in it for myself feels wrong. I’ve wanted it from partners but well. My ex husband used to but I’d be so guilty after it for not giving him anything that it slowly stopped. That’s 5 years back.

I can’t sleep coz it feels like my muscles are being wrung around and around like a wet rag squeezed to dry that they are strung tenser than a single string bra on a heavy person. A massage will relax me. Calm me down. I read about massage therapy for bipolar… Thought if I believed it was treatment I’d stop feeling guilty.

I want to sleep with random people and get hurt for wanting these luxuries. I don’t deserve anything more!

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Day 30- Back in Bangalore

For a couple of reasons I impulsively returned to Bangalore. Here only for a couple of days but I already failed on my resolution.

Help yourself. Have relationships.

Relationships are not to help me with life. If my life is tough that’s my cross to bear. Help or support would be a bonus.

But like the camel and the tent story, someone extends a finger and I try to grab the hand. When will I learn. Jeeez! Despicable!

Day 27 continues- Cookathon

Today after my life took a u turn I too decided to not be the lazy lout I’d been the last few days.

So, equipped with fresh produce from the local market… I set forth on my cooking expedition.

For lunch, i made a gorgeous mixed vegetable curry with ground coconut paste. It tastes remarkably like the Kerala fish curry, just that it had pumpkin and capsicum instead. Also since I didn’t have tamarind or kodum pulli that’s traditionally used for sourness, I substituted it with raw mango. It was quite delicious. I even froze a bit to consume when I’m low and don’t feel like cooking. Or homesick.

Then after a quick visit to the cafe and riding around for a while I made dinner. Inspired by a very very cute and hot Christopher (from Gilmore girls) looking fellow called Matt that I interacted with at the cafe, I made eggs with broccoli, mushrooms, cheese and bell peppers. It was yumm but since I’m a knucklehead I ended up burning the bottom. Piece of advice- do not leave eggs to cook without much butter or oil and set forth cleaning up the kitchen.

Burnt or not, today was an amazing foodfull day 🙂

Day 27- U turn

Sometimes you reach the depths of despair and then suddenly life turns around. It’s like life tests you to see if you can hold it through the storms. Walk away unscratched and you will be rewarded. Sometimes life sends you people that make you thankful for holding on. That make having the troubles seem worth while if it means having them in your life.

Yes there is always a choice to be made. And yes they are sometimes ridiculously difficult. And sometimes despite everything, nothing works out.

But sometimes they do. And you are left feeling grateful for everything. Everything.

Day 26 continues- Forever

Through happy days and sad days, Through mania and depression

The pain is a constant

All the beaches and rides and music and chocolate

Do nothing more than create a dent 

It just sucks and sucks all energy from you

Till you crash… tired, exhausted, spent.

I remember seeing the future through my rose tinted glasses

My hopes, my dreams, my aspirations, my life

Now i wallow in self pity and cry with despair

Wondering, was this all I was meant?

Day 26- Just a day

Why doesn’t anyone want me? In a physical way. Why doesn’t anyone want to have sex with me? Am I that disgusting and repulsive?

Yes I’m very very sexually worked up right now. Horny, the crass word to describe all the frustration I feel right now. And it’s very intense.

Not even sex, I just want to sex chat or phone sex. Anything.

I think i might even be able to control the horniness. It’s the hurt that there is noone even though I’m this desperate that pinches more.

Maybe this is payback. For almost a decade of maintaining a platonic relationship with my husband. Gosh! How did he manage? Why?

He has spoilt me. I now want to be comforted and consoled and loved and hugged. I want to be appreciated and made to feel special. Hell I need it.

I have noone now. Not even a parent or friend I can turn to for anything.

I’m hurt and low and noone understands mental illness in India. Marriage is the solution for all problems.

Even the smart, educated people around me who have fought with their own demons think I can do the same. That I can and should fight this alone.

I can’t afford medication or therapy. I’ve to be functional and take care of myself and in 2 months be productive enough to earn for myself.

How? How do I do all this alone? It’s been over a year of no medication or therapy. During which time I single handedly fought through withdrawal, desperation, despair, a relationship and dealt with my baggage from the past.

But now I’m tired and worn out and broken and i need help. Someone who will look after me for a day and let me sleep. Pamper me. Love me. Help me for one fucking day.

Please. Just one day. I want to rest.

Maybe I just need sex! Yeah right.