Day 5- Relentless

The effort needed to stop yourself from indulging in the stupid whims that over power you. The intensity of the darkness that takes over you. The energy that negativity invests in taking over its prime spot. It’s all relentless.

And I more often than not… give in or fall short.

But not this time. I kept busy through the day. Did the things I’d otherwise be prettified of like going to a market, choosing good produce, sharing things with someone, choosing to trust someone, getting drunk around someone…

Yes I still felt horrible. Yes I still wanted to cut my leg or dip my face in a vat of boiling oil while waiting for my order or open out my stitches and pull my intestine out.

But. They weren’t all I felt.

I also felt happy. Excited. Scared. Sad. Embarrassed. And a lot of other things.

Instead of wasting a day crying and just sitting safe in my room to save myself from the horrendous things I’m used to and capable of doing… I lived today. I sang and rode and shopped and asked for what I want and failed and everything.

Today I was bipolar. But bipolar wasn’t me.

I understand that this might not be the case everytime. I’ll have days when my relentless effort won’t be enough. But this is a start. So kudos to me and all of you who helped me. I couldn’t have done it without your support. Thank you.

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4 thoughts on “Day 5- Relentless

  1. I could relate so much to this. The conflicting emotions and the pulls in opposite directions. Love the part about not sitting in your room but going out even if it means failing. I hate leaving my home so I can relate to that.

    • I’ve tried repeatedly and failed back home. But being here on this trip has given me a new energy. Hoping to become more like this and then go back. Like a cheat slip or practice soon.
      Or maybe move here. šŸ˜‰
      Hope you figure out your practice space too. Good luck and thanks for reading.

      • Are you far from your home? It sounds like you are on this trip alone. If that is the case I am in awe because that is something I would be too fearful to do on my own. Kudos to you!

  2. Yes… alone and well an over night journey by bus or a few hours by flight away. So not sure if it’s awe worthy šŸ˜‰ But it’s been amazing! I’ve learnt so much about myself and life the least few days… I would have been petrified to do this a few years or even few months back. So… hang in there šŸ™‚ and thank you.

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