The effort needed to stop yourself from indulging in the stupid whims that over power you. The intensity of the darkness that takes over you. The energy that negativity invests in taking over its prime spot. It’s all relentless.
And I more often than not… give in or fall short.
But not this time. I kept busy through the day. Did the things I’d otherwise be prettified of like going to a market, choosing good produce, sharing things with someone, choosing to trust someone, getting drunk around someone…
Yes I still felt horrible. Yes I still wanted to cut my leg or dip my face in a vat of boiling oil while waiting for my order or open out my stitches and pull my intestine out.
But. They weren’t all I felt.
I also felt happy. Excited. Scared. Sad. Embarrassed. And a lot of other things.
Instead of wasting a day crying and just sitting safe in my room to save myself from the horrendous things I’m used to and capable of doing… I lived today. I sang and rode and shopped and asked for what I want and failed and everything.
Today I was bipolar. But bipolar wasn’t me.
I understand that this might not be the case everytime. I’ll have days when my relentless effort won’t be enough. But this is a start. So kudos to me and all of you who helped me. I couldn’t have done it without your support. Thank you.