Today despite how excruciating life has been, I still did all the things I was supposed to. Went to the cafe, supervised construction work, shopped for paint, etc. I even rode around for a bit and went to the food truck.
I met an interesting tourist at the cafe today. He is an Indian born Australian who has never been to India before. He was training to be a paramedic and was getting experience in Nepal when his friend asked him to check out India. He spoke about Singapore and Australia and Nepal and how if I’m trying to get experiences then I should go abroad. Coz being in a place you don’t belong to, teaches you a lot.
That got me thinking. I don’t think I belong anywhere. I feel I belong as much as I feel I don’t in Goa, just as much as I felt in Bangalore where I lived, Kerala where i grew up or Bombay where I was born. I’m not from anywhere. I don’t have anyone or anything anywhere.
I’ve been thinking how I’d love to start a food truck here for the 4 tourist heavy months of the year. I also want to take the company I started in Bangalore further. I have plans to do so many things and yet I do nothing because I always believe I’m not good enough. I’m afraid I’ll fail.
What I honestly want is to just live without so much effort. Survive even. Life can’t be this hard. You can’t have to fight yourself to live. That makes no sense. Atleast then let me be strong and desperate enough to kill myself.
But just like the song by Destiny’s child, I’m a survivor and I’m gonna make it!