Nothing has changed. All the things I did gave me a temporary happy high. That’s it. I’m still a miserable piece of shit. I’m still worked up. And still hurting myself.
The relief that digging my nails into my veins gives is tremendous… esp when you are trying hard to have a normal conversation.
But he knows. Knows that I’m not normal. I’m just going through the motions. That try as I might I’m failing miserably. That though I’m excited as hell that he is coming, I’m also miserable. Maybe I also don’t want him to as much as I want him to.
I thought it’s because the last trip where I was excited was a flop. And there is pressure on me to not fail this time. Because I’m already feeling low. But what if he is right? What if I’m feeling low because I want him as much as I don’t.
Does this happen to you? Is it normal for people like us? Or is it because of my baggage from the past?
I don’t want to lose him. I really do love him. That I know without doubt.
If this is normal bipolar or BPD then he will deal with it. If it’s baggage, I’ll work on it. But I need to know. Help please.