I keep asking people questions. The answers will directly or indirectly address my insecurities. Today I was told by my partner that he won’t leave for being me or being bipolar or anything… but if all I do all the time we are together is question him and want reassurances based on my fears from past experiences… then he will be very disappointed and lose interest. Fair enough. Especially since my fears aren’t based on the kind of person he is. They are just my fears from thirty years of shitty life.
The rest of our day was actually quite interesting. We rode around, talked, cooked, went to my private place (a fountain with a few benches around it… in the middle of nowhere) and did a lot of fun things.
I was happy. Confident. Cheerful. Positive.
Then we had sex. I was different. It was nice.
And then I had questions again!
I managed to keep my mouth shut because all the questions were of the boost-my-self confidence kinds. So as to not spoil the day by ending it on that note I decided to write instead.
Mostly also because I know these are just my insecurities. They aren’t real worries. They feel real, they hurt and worry me just as much. But they are just created by my mind because of my past experiences and lack of self confidence. If they really are things am worried about, I can always ask them another day… can’t I?
So… instead of making this day just another one in my loop… I shall instead take the effort to break my pattern. So here goes…
Was it good? Are you physically attracted to me? Or is it just a personality thing? Am I not too fat? Do you like having sex with me? Really? Why? Why do you love me? I’m horrible. Selfish. Mean. Hurtful. Why? I’m a bitch. What is wrong with you? If things are good now that means something bad is going to happen no? Will you leave me? Are you bored of me?