Day 19- Pedro’s Palace

Today after days of barely getting any sleep, I crashed around 5am. Slept till late afternoon. Disturbed sleep with weird dreams but I slept. 

After waking up I cooked lunch, washed clothes, cleaned up and went with C to the cafe to start working on my book and finish cafe painting work.

After a couple of hours of listening to music and staring at a blank screen I decided to move on to the painting work. We sandpapered the benches and tables and applied wood primer while chatting and singing along with lame hindi songs from our childhood. It was fun and light. Then we precariously balanced dismantled parts of a shelf on our bikes and returned home.

Though I was dirty and dusty and unclean, I decided to ride around instead of sitting at home. I bought provisions so that I could cook later and rode around. Even went to my favourite fountain hang out and relaxed. The sound of water, frogs croaking, the peace of mind seeing the water rise and fall repeatedly usually relaxes me. Today was different. It relaxed me but didn’t cheer me up.

I wasn’t sad or upset… just low. C pinged then saying she was hungry and wanted to grab a Ros omelette from our usual stall. So I headed there and placed our usual order. The owners chitchatted for a bit and then C and I ate. Later she was still hungry and wanted to go to a proper restaurant and eat something… I agreed to go along but without changing. If I’d gone home, I’d not have left. I know that. No matter how much she thinks she can force me… I’d have resisted and then been irritated.

So we went to the restaurant in whatever condition I was. For a usually always well dressed pushover person, C was quite surprised with my behaviour. 

Enroute there is a house we pass that doesn’t partake in the Goan tourism much. But their uniqueness has made them quite popular. A landmark even. Nestled away in a cove of trees with fields all around it, this huge bright purple house has bright fluorescent pink lights on the walls called Pedro’s Palace.

I used to not care what anyone thought. Not because I didn’t care or had amazing self confidence. But because I wasn’t aware. I used to always live in my head. I was very interesting company for myself and I enjoyed it.

After my first boy friend, I progressively realised how detached that made me and kept changing. But that also made me aware of what other people thought about me. So then I started changing those things that I started believing needed work on. So on and so forth till I’m nothing like I used to be.

My partner wants me to find myself. Again. Be who I used to be. Be me. Not this socially conditioned version of me.

It sounds awesome. But the real me lives in my head. Leads life with an amazing background score. Is always upto myself.

I’m not different, like the sober blue house that stands in contrast to the green fields around it that looks gorgeous. I’m the bright purple Pedro’s palace with pink lights that you’ll love or hate but can’t ignore.

I sincerely hope he knows what he is asking of me. Coz I don’t think there will be a second social conditioning that I’ll be up for.

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