Day 20 continues – Selfish realisations 

​When you share… my mind goes into hyper drive. I’ve to help, console, make you feel better, hug and pamper you, protect you… make sure nothing bad happens to you… all at once. I’ve to solve your problem. Have to. Am sure you know that feeling very very well.

But now… I know I’ve to listen. Then I get scared… what if I listen and it feels like I’m ignoring or not caring? What if my mind if left alone for a microsecond actually starts wandering and I’m not even aware? What if my responses are stupid and not useful? What if I say something that makes you think this isn’t the person I thought you were and makes you want to leave me? What if I make you feel as sad or numb or low as something else is making you feel today? What if!! Gazillion what ifs fill my head. Then I go crazy.

I recently realised how selfish that is. Recently!

Even your own sadness or feelings, I make them about myself and my thoughts. My insecurities.

I’m really working on it. Realised today that I did it again…

I was obsessing about getting you to say that you are feeling low and actually in the process ignored your feelings… just wanted you to say you were. And if you had agreed, I’d have done what it takes to be there for you.

Realised that only when the urge to ask you again and again became uncontrollable. Hence started speaking… About the customers, painting, writing… random things

Then mind and bp went into weird hyper mode. Was exhausting! And invigorating…

Then just now you called again… made me thrilled. And you actually a started sharing…

Was like a bomb exploded in my head. With random thoughts. And I said crap. Fooled around.

Today for the first time I’m aware…

I now know partially what you mean… about this not being a relationship.

These realisations and my helplessness is driving me crazy. I want you. Need you. Please… help me. Please!

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