Day 26- Just a day

Why doesn’t anyone want me? In a physical way. Why doesn’t anyone want to have sex with me? Am I that disgusting and repulsive?

Yes I’m very very sexually worked up right now. Horny, the crass word to describe all the frustration I feel right now. And it’s very intense.

Not even sex, I just want to sex chat or phone sex. Anything.

I think i might even be able to control the horniness. It’s the hurt that there is noone even though I’m this desperate that pinches more.

Maybe this is payback. For almost a decade of maintaining a platonic relationship with my husband. Gosh! How did he manage? Why?

He has spoilt me. I now want to be comforted and consoled and loved and hugged. I want to be appreciated and made to feel special. Hell I need it.

I have noone now. Not even a parent or friend I can turn to for anything.

I’m hurt and low and noone understands mental illness in India. Marriage is the solution for all problems.

Even the smart, educated people around me who have fought with their own demons think I can do the same. That I can and should fight this alone.

I can’t afford medication or therapy. I’ve to be functional and take care of myself and in 2 months be productive enough to earn for myself.

How? How do I do all this alone? It’s been over a year of no medication or therapy. During which time I single handedly fought through withdrawal, desperation, despair, a relationship and dealt with my baggage from the past.

But now I’m tired and worn out and broken and i need help. Someone who will look after me for a day and let me sleep. Pamper me. Love me. Help me for one fucking day.

Please. Just one day. I want to rest.

Maybe I just need sex! Yeah right.


10 thoughts on “Day 26- Just a day

    • Not currently. Not productive enough to. Working at a cafe for these 2 months while I’m here. Just physical tasks like painting, organising, serving. Supposed to do social media marketing for them but don’t want to work with my mind yet.

  1. I’m sorry you’re miserable. I wish I could promise it will get better. It is similar to having an Addiction. You can only take things day by day, sometimes hour by hour. You’re definitely not alone here. I very recently ended an over 30 year friendship, I haven’t found a man attractive in a very long time and my medications work when they feel like it. I also have a new anxiety about leaving the house. If every store delivered I wouldn’t. I hope the day gets brighter.

  2. I forgot to say how proud I am that you are discussing something that not many do. SEX. No one really wants to mention that part they treat it like a dirty word. It should be discussed more. Thank you!

  3. Hmmm… makes the fight just that much harder. But I’m very aware that I have nothing to help me except myself. So during extreme depression or mania I know I’ve to control it myself. No quick fixes. No saviours. Nothing to stop me from crossing the line. Except me. So I’ve to be very aware to indulge in the feeling but not let it take over. Suicidal thoughts are the scariest. Esp since there is no emergency help I can turn to.
    However my memory is better. I’m cognitively much better. I’m more aware and in control. Feels like my life rather than passing through it like a zombie. I was on very high dosage.
    The desperation, suicide, mania as part of withdrawal were the hardest things I’ve ever had to overcome. Pushing myself to deal with years of physical, mental, sexual abuse during that time was not smart. I didn’t think withdrawal would hit me for as long as it did. Or as hard.
    Are you planning to go off meds?

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