Day 30- Back in Bangalore

For a couple of reasons I impulsively returned to Bangalore. Here only for a couple of days but I already failed on my resolution.

Help yourself. Have relationships.

Relationships are not to help me with life. If my life is tough that’s my cross to bear. Help or support would be a bonus.

But like the camel and the tent story, someone extends a finger and I try to grab the hand. When will I learn. Jeeez! Despicable!


33 thoughts on “Day 30- Back in Bangalore

      • Sorry that sounds terrible. feel better soon. Same with no sleep. Tonight was a real bad time I felt very sad and lonely when I saw one of my blogger friends Rita post on here she is like the nicest kindest person I know but she is busy a lot with school always having exams and having to study she has little free time but when she does she contacts me. I just wish we could be in contact more often because shes a great friend. It made me get sad about how 3 years ago in an online bipolar support group I made a ton of awesome friends but over the years most of either got busy or moved on. I miss those days. I ended up manic spending tonight. I did write a story tonight that was good. I think if I can start writing more I’ll feel better.

      • Hmmm… I can imagine how that feels. Have had similar experiences with friends. And boy, does it hurt! I’m learning to be more ‘adult’ about it by tempering my expectations and believing that everything is temporary. But the emotion still hits. Have only learnt to express it better or not let it take over my life completely. Hoping to get better at it. However it saddens me that life is like this. Relationships are momentary and noone is anyone else’s. Everyone is just truly alone. Such a depressingly lonely thought. I’m trying to create a world of my own where atleast I’m different. It’s going to come at a painfully great cost. I’ll be hurt repeatedly. But then there are other souls out there like us. Right? So there is hope.
        I’m also aware that I switch from being like this to being very clinical and unemotional. So guess I’ve hurt my fair share of people too.
        I’m sorry about the manic episode. But glad you churned something productive out of it. πŸ™‚ Yes, writing more might help. It’s a beautiful way to express yourself. And you are very talented. Will read more of your posts when I have better connectivity and more time.

      • Not until 9am lol but I did until 2pm so that was good. I need to quit smoking. Seeing my dr tom. Watching horror movies all day so much fun. How are you doing? Happy Halloween!

      • Happy Halloween to you too… I used to watch horror movies with glee until a couple of years back I started imagining a lot of scary stuff. Those things started scaring me tremendously since I also believed that being possessed is actually all in the head, it’s about going crazy. And I wasn’t very far from that. Sounds silly now though. Hahaha…

      • Yea I understand I had to take a break from horror when I wasn’t feeling well from a relapse/hospitalization. I am working on a new horror book ‘Can’t Wait To Die’ I did one chapter. I think this will help me with my stress and anxiety. Horror writing is the healthiest kind of writing for me.

      • That’s interesting. I met another person via the blogging community as well who writes horror. Christina. Have you read her stuff?
        Regarding the relapse, do you get hospitalised often? Is there someone to help you out… Look after you?

      • Yea my family every 4 to 6 years I get hospitalized but last year I stayed out of the hospital so going on 7 years. Never read her stuff. Don’t know her I write like crazy as almost like a addiction I don’t read enough books

      • Oh ok… Congratulations. That’s a huge victory. πŸ™‚ amazing!
        I will get down to reading your work soon. Need a laptop and a good internet connection. 😦 WordPress on the phone is a headache.
        Just in case you are interested…

        You can check out her stories if you feel like. She is amazingly sweet and helped me when I was very very desperate and low.
        How’re you today? Got any sleep?
        I have a big day ahead tomorrow and I’m scared I won’t be well rested and will burn out. Why do I keep biting off more than I can chew?

      • Bad news first I have to do an ultrasound I might have cancer. I got sleep and honestly feel pretty good the meds help. I am very tired and sleep a lot. I had 338 sugar but that was my bad having candy before I went in. Milky Ways are suppossed to have gluten in them I had small pieces and they didn’t effect me. My sugar is down now. Try to relax and not worry. After tomorrow lie down and get your rest.

      • yea it was the lump. i had a ultrasound tonight and i had 3 other things one might need surgery the other two go away by themselves, so no cancer all is well.

      • There is a small cyst on my epididmitis. They sometimes go away or they drain it or do surgery. The urologist will know best. It would be minor surgery. Nothing to worry about. How is your anxiety today?

      • Much better than yesterday. Though I’m very tired since I didn’t get much sleep. I’m cooking for a few important people whom I’ve called home. And an hour after they leave, I’ve to go meet my ex husband who I haven’t met in ages and is amazing. He helps me out whenever he can and he hasn’t seen me since I started being so functional. I’m scared after the whole event at home I’ll be too tired to be functional. And faking it doesn’t help. He will see through. Also too much effort will make me hyper. So trying hard to just focus on tasks and get through the day calmly.
        Glad it’s nothing serious. πŸ™‚ take care…

      • Try Gabapentin to sleep ask your dr about it. It helped me sleep last night. I got a lot of sleep. Felt better after the tiredness wore off. Yea could to keep busy. For me I just got to adjust to the new meds they are strong. But get me the sleep I need.

      • Been in the hospital last 9 days. I am doing well getting sleep. The dr there gave me the proper treatment and got me on the right medication. It’s been a difficult time for me. Things got intense and I had to get myself the help I needed and it paid off.

      • I’m so sorry to hear that. Happy that it helped though… and that you are now getting the right medication and treatment. Hope you feel better soon. Take care…

  1. I don’t have a therapist or psychiatrist anymore. I’m off medication. Had a very serious surgery a while back that required loads of medication. Then thyroid meds. And my psych meds. Everything just got too much for me. So stopped all except the thyroid meds. I try as much as possible to not have a med as a fall back option. Will def tire out and crash sleep for a day soon.
    I’m glad you got some sleep. It really helps. How’re you feeling?

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