Day 31- Punishment

I want a massage. Full body massage. I’m craving it. Have been desperately wanting it for over 5 years now. I got one in Bombay last year and I’m sure that’s what gave me the strength to get over medication and therapy. It relaxes me and makes my blood not feel like it’s bubbling right under my skin.

They are expensive and indulging in it for myself feels wrong. I’ve wanted it from partners but well. My ex husband used to but I’d be so guilty after it for not giving him anything that it slowly stopped. That’s 5 years back.

I can’t sleep coz it feels like my muscles are being wrung around and around like a wet rag squeezed to dry that they are strung tenser than a single string bra on a heavy person. A massage will relax me. Calm me down. I read about massage therapy for bipolar… Thought if I believed it was treatment I’d stop feeling guilty.

I want to sleep with random people and get hurt for wanting these luxuries. I don’t deserve anything more!

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