Day 49- Discovery

I’ve realised that depression and mania though horrible I’m ok with. I’ve learnt to not kill myself during either. I cry with mental torture during depression or enjoy freakishly during mania. But it’s ok.

It’s better than this Agnostic phase. Where I’m not sad but want to cry. Not happy but cheerful. Yet very very worked up and agitated. Frustrated. I get these thoughts with complete conviction about things I want to do and almost all of them are detrimental. They mostly lead to hurt which gives me a reason to cry and hit depression. I intentionally pick fights. I can feel the blood boiling beneath my skin. And nothing anyone does is enough.

I also get very very strong thoughts of how I’m too good for anyone. I’m better than them all. And i deserve more. I look down upon the people who care for me and belittle their views and actions. coz I’m bloody perfect!

This phase I hate. I want to kill myself. I’m hungry. Feverish. Haven’t slept in 3 nights. Haven’t drunk enough water. I’m cold. I suck. No I don’t. I’m freaking awesome! Everyone else sucks! Idiots.

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3 thoughts on “Day 49- Discovery

  1. That sounds more like ultradian rapid cycling to me. I have had those phases. Within days, even hours, I can jump between depression and a sort of mental (but not physical) mania. I haven’t had physical mania in quite awhile.

    • Exactly! Mental. Both are mental. Physically I feel normal. Tired with no sleep and missing meals since I lose track of time. But yes… Ultradian rapid cycling. Hmmm… Sounds interesting.

    • Hmmm… Read about it. The causes seem to be hypothyroidism, which I have and a trigger event like the loss of a loved one, happened last week. Thanks a lot 🙂 will get help if I can’t control it myself. Thank you so much.

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