I’ve realised that depression and mania though horrible I’m ok with. I’ve learnt to not kill myself during either. I cry with mental torture during depression or enjoy freakishly during mania. But it’s ok.
It’s better than this Agnostic phase. Where I’m not sad but want to cry. Not happy but cheerful. Yet very very worked up and agitated. Frustrated. I get these thoughts with complete conviction about things I want to do and almost all of them are detrimental. They mostly lead to hurt which gives me a reason to cry and hit depression. I intentionally pick fights. I can feel the blood boiling beneath my skin. And nothing anyone does is enough.
I also get very very strong thoughts of how I’m too good for anyone. I’m better than them all. And i deserve more. I look down upon the people who care for me and belittle their views and actions. coz I’m bloody perfect!
This phase I hate. I want to kill myself. I’m hungry. Feverish. Haven’t slept in 3 nights. Haven’t drunk enough water. I’m cold. I suck. No I don’t. I’m freaking awesome! Everyone else sucks! Idiots.