Day 50- Love

I want someone to love me enough to put all their things on hold and be there for me whenever i need it. I know if I get it for long enough then it’ll reduce. But I should get it right?

My ex husband (R) used to do that for me. But at that time without any help or guidance or therapy since I was a mess we didn’t know anything. So we messed up badly. But when he did that for me, I loved him to bits. But wasn’t in love with him. Not because he wasn’t enough. But because of all my baggage.

I wanted the unconditional love and care that’s parental. And he gave me.

I got used to it. Now when I fell in love again, I started being that way. Might not be effectively but I would automatically push everything aside if I knew he wanted me. 

But sadly I started expecting that back too. I feel if he loves me enough he will naturally start doing it.

But he doesn’t think that way. He thinks we should take care of ourselves. He is in a bad shape too. 

But this can’t be a coincidence right? Every time I need help he has energy for about a day. Or less.

I told him about this ultradian rapid cycling and that I might need help. He is in the US currently on work. But he didn’t care enough to even offer to come back. Or take the effort to talk me through this even if I fight with him.

Why? So I’m your R. The person who loves you enough to push everything aside for you. I want be. But you don’t want to. You don’t love me enough to. 

Why why why? Aaarrrrrgggghhh.


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