Day 51 continues- Agnosticism

I’m not really sure if what I said in my earlier post today is true. R used to accept me the way I was. I was messed up during that time. And I fucked it up. He goofed up too. But it wasn’t for lack of acceptance.

So where am I going wrong this time?

Do we not love each other? Or want each other as much as our excitement led us to believe we do?

I can’t help but feel that it was awesome last Dec when we met. I fucked it up by taking a year to deal with my baggage. But if that’s not understood and accepted and forgiven… Scrap that. I don’t want to be forgiven. I’ve dealt with a decent amount of shit in my life. I want support. Not an ok I forgive you though you took so long. Duh! 30 years of shit I dealt with and resolved in less than a year. Why should I apologize?

Why don’t you understand and support? Or silently wait? If you aren’t up for such a messed up person, please… Close the door on your way out. But if you want me, then deal with it. I was messed up. I’m working on it. For us. And myself.

I’ll always be bipolar and bpd and anxious. I’m learning to deal with it. As best as I can. Yes I fuck up. So? I have no help. Or therapy. Or medication. But I’m not giving up.

So you decide… In or out? But get off the bloody fence!


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