After the last post, I mustered up all my courage and said that I’ll drop out of the rest of the day’s plans. C asked why what happened. And all my courage that had converted into rebellion spurted out something about not getting enough sleep and making the best of the times that I do. I was about to be offensive and say something about the morning trip being pointless when she warmly said… Oh ok. You take rest but you are ok, right?
Guilt. Remorse. Self hatred filled my mind.
She wasn’t forcing me to do anything. In her genuine excitement she was trying to incorporate me into all her plans. Grudging her for not automatically understanding and being accommodating to my current weaknesses is unfair. If I can’t or don’t want to do something, it’s on me to say so.
Just because as a kid I did not have the leeway to or the courage or voice to be weak or express any form of weakness doesn’t mean I continue that behaviour despite having awareness now. The first thing I’ve to do is to stop grudging myself for being weak.
But all said and done, here’s a Cheers to saying what i want and holding my ground.