Day 54 part 3- Pile on

So after fighting a terrible migraine for hours when I couldn’t fall asleep, I realised that it’s my body crying for attention. After days of no sleep when I ignored the one day when I got sleep, my body couldn’t take it anymore.

So I forced myself out of bed, where all I was doing was trying to dull out the random sounds that had accentuated itself before reaching my ears. I made myself a sandwich and some hot tea to force it down. And despite my good senses, I ate. Then I tried relaxing my brain from any activity. Tried calming down by talking to myself and concentrating on breathing. And finally fell asleep for an hour.

I woke up without a headache and went to sit in the loo. It’s a place where I feel safe and comfortable. After a while of responding to people on chat, since I’d switched off everything to not get distracted, I was coochie cooing with A and i asked him for a gift.

Asked, because the last time he tried I blew my lid. Was pissed off coz his gift was expensive and beyond my affordability. I used to do the same thing with R.

I like the whole gift giving-pampering indulgence but I also grudge it. Given my financial situation, I want all money interactions to make sense, serve purpose. But it’s not my money. It’s theirs. Which they are spending how they want. Then what’s my problem?

I want a gift. But I also want what I want. Instead of being thankful for the fact that I’ve someone who wants to give me something.

Instead of mulling over this alone, I shared it with A, given our new complete honestly policy and then I started crying.

The rapid fluctuations or Ultradian rapid cycling, like someone pointed out, hasn’t gone away. Neither has the trigger for it since I’m not dealing with the death right now. Today my dad’s msgs with those pics and my cousins speaking about him probably rekindled memories and emotions. But I’m crying in the loo, while already dehydrated, about gifting policies.

Just another day of piling on and dishonesty. Kudos to maturity!!


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