Day 92- Plans

I am thinking of moving out of Bangalore. To goa. Alone. Scared. Overwhelmed.

I am more functional here. Way more. I could take up a job. Regular mainstream job that doesn’t require my mind. The small city ambience and lack of crowd helps.

I’m scared. Nervous. Want to talk to someone. 

Bangalore was home. My home. Since I left my hometown. Wherever I went, I returned there like a homing pigeon. Now I have nothing there anymore. Noone. And once I move out, I’ll have no place there either.

I’ll then truly be homeless! Hahaha… Interesting thought when I’m already overwhelmed.

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Day 90 part 1- A Goan day

After the fun times last night, A and I got a little physically intimate which overwhelmed me and then I played clash of clans till 4am. Finally I fell asleep and woke up at 7 along with A.

Since we both couldn’t fall asleep after that, we decided to head out for breakfast to a nice French bistro. We had a light tasty breakfast with tuna and black forest ham and mud pie and carrot cake with some smoothies and washed it all down with a nice black coffee.

After that we returned home, talked, rested and then went to the cafe to hang out with C. We made some tasty fish burgers, ridiculously yum beef burgers and a tried our hand at making a DIY lampshade using fevicol and twine.

After playing with Fi once back home, we all rested again till late evening and then went to my food truck where we had the tastiest chilly beef on bread and roast beef on bread. C has been in a good place since the talk last night and was active and fun today.

Now A and I plan to ride around for a while and head to mango tree with C once cafe is shut for the day. 🙂

Day 90 part 2- Depression repetition 

I don’t know if it’s the thoughts I’ve been having regarding A and me or just regular depression but I’m very very low. I was getting very worked up earlier and my blood was boiling again (Not with anger… just with anxiety and stress). I desperately need a massage if not meds. Jet lag is hitting and A is very tired so sleeping most of the time.

This is not why I am having thoughts about him. I’m just so very alone even though he is there. It wasn’t the same with R. I always knew R was there for me. I was and am the most important person in his life.

Why don’t I feel the same with A? Am I not? Or is it because something is wrong with me?

It’s just been a year. I should give it time. With R it was instantaneous. Needn’t be the same with everyone right?

Before I think I want to just be taking care of the home and A while he manages everything else, I should simply date and see if he can or wants the same things, though he says he does.

I should be independent!! Financially for sure. And then not depend on others to hold me or give me a neck massage or help me feel better. Why do I have this desperate need to just let go and be taken care of?

Aaarrrrgggghhhhh!! I’m so low I can’t stop crying. I feel it’s the thoughts causing it. So well yaaay for self created depression!

Day 89- A returns

Today after 3 months of me being here, A is visiting again. He is back from the US and coming over for the new year’s week. So instead of having a heavy day and being stressed out and overwhelmed by the time he reaches, I decided to pace myself out and rest for an hour before his arrival.

I finished some cafe work, discussed C’s resume with her and buffed it up really well. Also managed to give her a nice lecture… the effects of which were amazing.

I have been stressing about staying with A for 4 days after having been alone for so long. I know I obsess about stupid things like cleaning up, etc which isn’t good. So today instead of taking effort when I was tired to clean up and epilate and dress up, I decided to tell him that I’m obsessing about all that and if I do manage to do everything, I’d be very tired. He was very happy that I was being honest and said he’ll be happy if I was just relaxing and rested when he reached.

With the happiness of that conversation, I got the energy to clean and dress up and go to the cafe. So yaaaaay!

His cab was 4hrs late thanks to bad planning by the airport authorities. But he wasn’t very tired when he reached.

So we had a nice dinner, went riding with C after the cafe shut for the night and then played with Fi 🙂

Nirvana, truly!

Day 88- Unenmeshed

Today was an interesting day. A conversation with A last night, reminded me of how much I take on or plan things that i can’t do. Which then leads to sadness and guilt when I end up being unable to. I understand that I plan based on who I used to be… But if I can without judgement accept that now I’m incapable of doing that much, life would be so much easier!

So I’ve decided to try my best to do that. I also realised how much I make other people’s problems my own and then not just obsess over it and become useless for them to just vent (coz I jump into problem solving mode) but i end up getting affected and overwhelmed and then needing help myself.

So today though I rushed to the cafe in the morning when C called saying there were many customers and again in the early evening when I realised her ex is dropping in unexpectedly with their son who she hasn’t met in almost a month, I also stood true to my needs and went home to rest between the two to recoup.

Seeing C interact with her son and be a stranger to her ex husband and partner and family of 14years was very overwhelming. Since her ex was my friend, I spoke to him and he was exactly as I remember. I, just an acquaintance level friend, can’t distance myself enough to be cool with acting casual. I have no clue how or even why she does it.

I understand marriages not working out. Mine itself hasn’t. But after being with each other for 14years, how can you not be personal? How can you be distant and impersonal? I understand being rude in anger or with hurt. But after 2 years, when the anger has died down, won’t the old bond still remain? Your ex husband, father of your son, the guy you loved for over a decade… How does he suddenly become a stranger?

Will R and me be like this soon? I hope not. Naive I might be. But I’m honest about believing in archaic values like humanity, love, attachment, kindness, etc. Archaic coz noone else seems to value them much anymore.

Anyway, I realised that I’m getting overwhelmed by enmeshming myself with C. I took a break, spoke to A and then was a friend for C when she needed it. I also realised how by doing this I wasn’t being there for A when he needed to talk since I was overwhelmed by then. Hahaha… One victory. One failure.

One step at a time!