Today was an interesting day. A conversation with A last night, reminded me of how much I take on or plan things that i can’t do. Which then leads to sadness and guilt when I end up being unable to. I understand that I plan based on who I used to be… But if I can without judgement accept that now I’m incapable of doing that much, life would be so much easier!
So I’ve decided to try my best to do that. I also realised how much I make other people’s problems my own and then not just obsess over it and become useless for them to just vent (coz I jump into problem solving mode) but i end up getting affected and overwhelmed and then needing help myself.
So today though I rushed to the cafe in the morning when C called saying there were many customers and again in the early evening when I realised her ex is dropping in unexpectedly with their son who she hasn’t met in almost a month, I also stood true to my needs and went home to rest between the two to recoup.
Seeing C interact with her son and be a stranger to her ex husband and partner and family of 14years was very overwhelming. Since her ex was my friend, I spoke to him and he was exactly as I remember. I, just an acquaintance level friend, can’t distance myself enough to be cool with acting casual. I have no clue how or even why she does it.
I understand marriages not working out. Mine itself hasn’t. But after being with each other for 14years, how can you not be personal? How can you be distant and impersonal? I understand being rude in anger or with hurt. But after 2 years, when the anger has died down, won’t the old bond still remain? Your ex husband, father of your son, the guy you loved for over a decade… How does he suddenly become a stranger?
Will R and me be like this soon? I hope not. Naive I might be. But I’m honest about believing in archaic values like humanity, love, attachment, kindness, etc. Archaic coz noone else seems to value them much anymore.
Anyway, I realised that I’m getting overwhelmed by enmeshming myself with C. I took a break, spoke to A and then was a friend for C when she needed it. I also realised how by doing this I wasn’t being there for A when he needed to talk since I was overwhelmed by then. Hahaha… One victory. One failure.
One step at a time!