This morning the person who had contacted me for that scripting assignment told me that my samples weren’t approved. It hit me badly. I’ve never not received a project. Never been rejected for any reason other than high cost. It’s still rankling in my mind. I don’t know what to do or how to accept it.
R has been sponsoring my life since Sept. He promised to do it for a year while I figure things out. A very kind selfless gesture. And I know him enough to know that if I am honestly trying, he won’t be strict about the one year deadline.
However, though his salary is decently good and he has only been giving me a quarter of it, he has been running short the last 2 months. He does spend a lot on various things coz that’s how he wants to live. He doesn’t think before paying for a group if he is part of the meal or buying expensive things for himself or others. Money is just a mode for happiness and he doesn’t value it any more than that.
Which is completely fair. He is working hard, be slogging his ass off to make the money that he does all this with. How he spends it or lives his life is completely his wish.
However, the last month towards the end he asked me for a small amount. Not even asked but hinted at him needing. Without any more conversation I t transferred it. I lead a very miserly life, esp now when I know it’s mostly someone else’s money. I have no right to be extravagant about it.
This month he reached that stage today. Mid month.
I had no problem transferring that amount to him. I will transfer another amount around Christmas.
My worry is that if he didn’t have to give me money, if I had a job, he’d have a few lakhs more to have done whatever with over the last few months.
I know he would have run through that as well. But I can’t help feel guilty that I contributed to him reaching this stage.
And he was embarrassed. Which he shouldn’t be. It’s his money.
I will of course pay him back every penny once I’m working. But why am I not working?
I’m decently functional now. I can’t be a writer. I can’t even get a funky scripting assignment guys to approve my samples.
So why then am I not thinking of getting a job in Jan? I should. I have decided to.
Will start my training/art company parallely. But I will get serious about looking for a job now.
I’m sorry R. I truly am.