After we left from the beach, we picked Fi up from the cafe after helping out for a bit when customers reached, and then headed home. We were supposed to get ready and go to the cafe for the night shift.
But once home, depression hit. And how!
I couldn’t get up. All I could do was lie in bed crying.
Finally after a conversation with A, I managed to have dinner. And then had a chocolate.
I decided to not let myself waste my last few days here obsessing over my moods. So was getting dressed to go out for a ride when C called. I didn’t answer but it pushed me back into sitting and crying.
It’s always like that… When I’m taking the effort to snap out, any external interruption pushes me back. Once I’m done, then I’m ready to face the world. But till then I need space. Time. Rarely get it.
After a while C pinged saying a couple of drunk guys had reached the cafe. In less than 5 mins I rushed there to be with her.
So that means in dire straits I can. I have the ability to. So why not take that effort daily? How to?
After cafe, where I was friendly and normal, we went riding for a bit and then chatted about her work and cafe and partner. I returned home cheered up thinking I’m better. The cloud of depression is passing.
But the minute I reached home, I was tired and sad again. Why?
Was I being fake outside? Does my house make me tired? Should then A not be close to me enough for me to be sad around him and be distant so that I’ll be fun? Or should he just get used to the fact that getting close to me means just being around boring sad depressed me?
Aaarrrrggghhh! Depressed and confused.