Day 90 part 2- Depression repetition 

I don’t know if it’s the thoughts I’ve been having regarding A and me or just regular depression but I’m very very low. I was getting very worked up earlier and my blood was boiling again (Not with anger… just with anxiety and stress). I desperately need a massage if not meds. Jet lag is hitting and A is very tired so sleeping most of the time.

This is not why I am having thoughts about him. I’m just so very alone even though he is there. It wasn’t the same with R. I always knew R was there for me. I was and am the most important person in his life.

Why don’t I feel the same with A? Am I not? Or is it because something is wrong with me?

It’s just been a year. I should give it time. With R it was instantaneous. Needn’t be the same with everyone right?

Before I think I want to just be taking care of the home and A while he manages everything else, I should simply date and see if he can or wants the same things, though he says he does.

I should be independent!! Financially for sure. And then not depend on others to hold me or give me a neck massage or help me feel better. Why do I have this desperate need to just let go and be taken care of?

Aaarrrrgggghhhhh!! I’m so low I can’t stop crying. I feel it’s the thoughts causing it. So well yaaay for self created depression!


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