To deserve or be deserved

I deserve better, he said.

But don’t you love me, I pleaded

Maybe. But what do I get? He asked

Me. I wanted to say. But if I’m not good enough… Then what good does that do, right?

Will I ever be good enough? Won’t everyone deserve better? Better than a bipolar, emotional, dysfunctional mess that I am.

It didn’t matter that he pushed me emotionally to deal with my baggage till I broke. Didn’t matter that after coping with all that and my sexual abuse alone, I returned to Bangalore and him in Jan to start living when shit hit the roof. Pregnancy. Abortion. Cat died. Best friend died. Uncle died. Doesn’t matter. Without meds or therapy I crashed and went into silence. And that’s it. He had enough. He deserves better.

What about me? What do I deserve?

What do I do to keep myself from killing myself? I asked for help. Told everyone I know I want help. I went to a psychiatrist. Have an appointment with a psychologist for next week. I’m back on meds but the depression isn’t going. I want it to go. Please make it go. I don’t want to die. But I will kill myself. Can somebody help me? Please. What can I do? My boy friend broke up with me. So I don’t have him either to call. But he knows. Everyone in my life knows that I’m asking for help. I look normal or noone is taking it seriously I think. I’m going mad. Please help.