Statue of emotions

My Grandfather’s best friend is dying. Possible in a day or two. I remember spending my childhood vacations visiting them, being fed by the aunt while I ran around, sliding down the banister of their giant house, playing with their grandchildren. We, my brother and me, were always treated special because we were the first grandchildren in their entire friend’s circle.

I got the news today. A couple of hours ago, and I got emotional. Ofcourse I controlled expressing it. He has been ill for a while with alzheimer’s and dementia. So maybe this was good for him. He loved living with dignity.

Today was a tiring and tough day. There was a delay in a deliverable from my company… Which I started after a hugggeee break of being unemployed. That was and still is scary. The clients haven’t responded and I’m literally chewing my nails.

A long meeting in the afternoon went on longer than expected and I ended up staining my clothes. Luckily my top was long and covered the stains.

I returned back from all this… And heard the sucky news.

I was fine, talking normally… Then I started becoming low. Played mobile games to distract myself and pinched myself till I focused on something else.

Later while mentioning to my mother who noticed my mood swing that maybe this news was the reason, she said it sounded far fetched. Because I’m an unemotional person who would say that practically it made sense for him to die.

Yes I would. That’s true. Probably because I sometimes don’t understand emotions… Probably because sometimes the intensity hits so hard that I can’t deal with it. So I may seem like a bubbly fun girl who sometimes is very practical and has a poker face. But don’t be duped. I’m bubbling underneath with feelings that I can’t even name.

I want to cry. Want to vent. Want a friend. But hey… Why? After all, I’m just an emotional statue.