I cheered up. Considerably. Was active, cheerful, functional. Hell more than functional. Made food, cleared up, made people around me happy…
And I’m back where it started. Fuck. What’s the point. Are these 2 day gaps the point? Enjoy the periods of normalcy you get… Remember them for the times you need support. Is that it?
Fuck fuck fuck.
Does noone get it?
My family sure doesn’t. They have reduced all this down to “mood swings”. That’s exactly what I have… Mood swings.
They confuse someone’s “personality” with my condition. Oh… Even he is lazy. Or she gets mood swings. Or they don’t like crowds.
Fuck. That’s just laziness or PMS or introverts.
I’m not. I’m a loner. I hate people. They breathe my air. I’ve to breathe what they exhale. Even one person in a giant room. I like sitting in my cupboard. But I don’t fit anymore. I like doing nothing. Spacing out.
But then… I’m also lonely. Sad. Depressed. Suicidal. Crying about the time I’m losing out.
I miss her. I miss C. My unborn child. My boochi. I miss all of them.
I hate this month. Fucking hate it!