Off the grid

I’m not ok. I went to watch a play today. And I felt so low and lonely and disconnected from a world that used to be mine. One to which I belonged… And how.

I miss it. I crave the adrenaline. I miss the creativity. The rush of creating something. Something that’s yours. That you conceived. That you partook in. That you…

Forget creating one… I am not even function enough to go watch one.

I’m always so tired. Of life. The world. Everything.

Is it normal to feel this tired? And I’m so fat. I didn’t realise I’d become this huge. When I look at my pics, I don’t relate to them. Coz in my head I look like something else.

I’m so disconnect from reality. In so many ways. My disassociation seems like the last thing keeping me off the grid.

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Irony

Very low. Been crying thinking of random things.

Want fancy wedding. Imagine getting married a second time and still having done nothing that I want to…

I’m ok with it. But sometimes I wish I could have fun and enjoy. Be dressed up for a few days. Have people obsessing over me. Being the centre of attention. Celebrating. Dancing. Music…

But it comes at a huge cost. Not just financially. Emotionally. Ethically. Even the realisation that even during these functions, noone really cares about you. They simply come to enjoy.

I don’t know what I’m talking about. Guess I just want to dress up.

Mom has been helping the dad, of a 6 month old baby who needs an emergency surgery, to collect money. Via her friends, milaap, everything. She arranged a few lakhs. They needed 20 I think. It’s worked out anyway.
Another ex colleague of hers is suffering from anxiety. It sucks. I know… And she is talking about how I used to have panic attacks and how I’ve overcome it to just being anxiety.
Dad reached out to understand BPD, how is it different from bipolar, how I manage both, etc. I thought he wanted to know. Turns out his friend’s husband has. So he finally just asked if he can connect that friend to me

Everything is always about everyone else. Activist assholes.

They have no time or energy or mind space or interest when it comes to me.

After I told them about my sexual abuse since 6, they’ve informed every family they know about how to be careful about their daughters, what happened to me, etc.

EXCEPT taking the effort to be there for me.

And somehow I’m the one who eats medicines and gets therapy!!!
How does this make any sense!

Alone

And today is the day I realised I have noone.

A family that doesn’t care.

Thinks that my bipolar is more of an inconvenience and an excuse for them to get sympathy from others.

Thinks that my ex R is better since they have to do nothing. My current guy might not be capable enough to support me when needed, then what?

Thinks that I’m the way I am coz I’ve never had to really be down in the dumps and fend for myself. Desperate enough to snap out and get my act in place.

Thinks that my sexual abuse since childhood by family, by the person I trusted the most, the physical abuse in my relationships, the abortion and death of my pet and my best friend all on the same day… Are all things everyone goes through. Just that noone makes a big deal of it.

Thinks that bipolar, BPD, DID and anxiety are just terms. Everyone feels all these things.

And… A partner who wants to be there for me, or so I think, but isn’t capable. 😦

I have noone. I have R. Always, hopefully.

Powerless

I’m so emotional nowadays and I get worked up so fast that I fight with everyone around me, all the time. I get so angry that my hands start shivering and I’m mean. I never stray from the point or say anything wrong or illogical. But I convey whatever I need to in the most mean hurtful manner.

And then I go to my room and cry.

How much longer can I be powerless in front of my own emotions?

Opinions

What do you think of yourself? Do you think you are good? Or bad? Or shades of grey?

You think others have subjective opinions about you. Your family loves you, so will dilute your flaws away. Whereas people who dislike you will see only your real mistakes or the presumed ones.

But what about you? What about the bias you see yourself with? Self hatred, lack of self confidence, over confidence… Don’t these tilt your opinions one way or the other?

I’ve been asked to write down my opinion of myself. Good and bad. And get 3 others who I trust to do the same. We shall be working from there in our next session.

So my question is… In this very grey area, how coloured are your opinions about yourself?

Anxious

My intense therapy starts today. I think I’m finally ready to talk… About the sexual, emotional and physical abuse I went through for the better part of 3 decades.

I’m ready to open up… To myself to begin with.

Wish me luck!