Day 94- Goodbye Goa

It’s the first of Jan. A new year is starting today. Which means nothing except for people who like celebrating things… So yaaaaay it’s a new year!!!

After 94 days and a myriad of experiences later, it’s time for me to head back to Bangalore. 

Not home. Coz I think I’m home. Finally. It’s magical how as the curtains fall on my great adventure, I’m hitting realisations and getting closure. Almost everything here served purpose. Not what I wanted… But much more. What I needed. 

Too emotional today to go into details. More soon. Happy new year guys. 

And good bye Goa. You saved a girl.

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Day 92- Plans

I am thinking of moving out of Bangalore. To goa. Alone. Scared. Overwhelmed.

I am more functional here. Way more. I could take up a job. Regular mainstream job that doesn’t require my mind. The small city ambience and lack of crowd helps.

I’m scared. Nervous. Want to talk to someone. 

Bangalore was home. My home. Since I left my hometown. Wherever I went, I returned there like a homing pigeon. Now I have nothing there anymore. Noone. And once I move out, I’ll have no place there either.

I’ll then truly be homeless! Hahaha… Interesting thought when I’m already overwhelmed.

Day 90 part 1- A Goan day

After the fun times last night, A and I got a little physically intimate which overwhelmed me and then I played clash of clans till 4am. Finally I fell asleep and woke up at 7 along with A.

Since we both couldn’t fall asleep after that, we decided to head out for breakfast to a nice French bistro. We had a light tasty breakfast with tuna and black forest ham and mud pie and carrot cake with some smoothies and washed it all down with a nice black coffee.

After that we returned home, talked, rested and then went to the cafe to hang out with C. We made some tasty fish burgers, ridiculously yum beef burgers and a tried our hand at making a DIY lampshade using fevicol and twine.

After playing with Fi once back home, we all rested again till late evening and then went to my food truck where we had the tastiest chilly beef on bread and roast beef on bread. C has been in a good place since the talk last night and was active and fun today.

Now A and I plan to ride around for a while and head to mango tree with C once cafe is shut for the day. 🙂

Day 90 part 2- Depression repetition 

I don’t know if it’s the thoughts I’ve been having regarding A and me or just regular depression but I’m very very low. I was getting very worked up earlier and my blood was boiling again (Not with anger… just with anxiety and stress). I desperately need a massage if not meds. Jet lag is hitting and A is very tired so sleeping most of the time.

This is not why I am having thoughts about him. I’m just so very alone even though he is there. It wasn’t the same with R. I always knew R was there for me. I was and am the most important person in his life.

Why don’t I feel the same with A? Am I not? Or is it because something is wrong with me?

It’s just been a year. I should give it time. With R it was instantaneous. Needn’t be the same with everyone right?

Before I think I want to just be taking care of the home and A while he manages everything else, I should simply date and see if he can or wants the same things, though he says he does.

I should be independent!! Financially for sure. And then not depend on others to hold me or give me a neck massage or help me feel better. Why do I have this desperate need to just let go and be taken care of?

Aaarrrrgggghhhhh!! I’m so low I can’t stop crying. I feel it’s the thoughts causing it. So well yaaay for self created depression!