Today in conversation, my mom said that January was actually not too much. For a normal person or a bipolar person on meds and therapy, January would have been bad but not devastating.
Is that true?
I had a 1 month abortion. Lost both my kittens. Lost my best friend to a freak accident after having lived with her for 3 months till Jan 1st. And lost my favourite uncle just a month prior to that.
Am I really just making a big deal out of nothing? How much is too much?
I’ve bucked up and collapsed so often that even my family has lost faith in me. So now when I’m restarting my training company and a project was coming though… My brother’s lack of faith in me following through and my boy friend’s lack of ever having anything supportive or encouraging to say hit me badly. Not that I expressed anything coz god forbid anyone knows I have emotions. Oooooo.
But now finally in my room at night, I can’t stop crying. But cry, we shall not.
We shall drink water, watch something and try to sleep asap. Coz now with meds and therapy and myself to fall back on, life’s a calling.
Chug chug chug chug chug…!
If things that happen, make me junk instead of dealing with them in a healthier fashion, then that’s on me… It’s my mistake. Aware conscious me should know better. And should def try harder to do better.
But what if it’s stuff people say? And what if they say things despite knowing that it’ll affect me this badly. This adversely. Is it still on me? Or can they help by being sensitive?
But then… What if they can’t do any better? Then are we just a wrong match?
Watching movies back to back to get my head in place. Perspective, I have. The courage to do what’s needed and the determination to see something through… Ha!
I want C back. To talk to. To confide in. To support me. I need her.
In a world where love in my life meant very little, she was a friend. Why then did I get just 4 months with her? This is so unfair. Why did she die so young? Die. She is dead.
Back to movies…
What do you do when your whole family is dysfunctional? Maybe not diagnosed because unlike you they are functional productive over achieving members of society… But who do you turn to when you are broken and have no where to go?
Through weeks of sleeplessness… Baby, where did you sleep last night?
I can almost feel what Kurt went through before killing himself. I also understand why he did that one last show.
Cyclone in the city where my brother lives. Looks bad and the land fall hasn’t even hit yet. Do keep him and everyone there in your thoughts.
Note to self: stop interfering in other people’s business.Get your life in order and move on. Projecting your past experiences on others and advising is extremely irritating. Please stop!