A fresh start

Shaved off my hair. Was timed to match my surgery but was done for a zillion reasons other than the surgery. Want to get rid of everything I possibly can from my past. Want a fresh start this coming year.

Want to start without the inhibitions, doubts, questions, anything I had earlier. Try things with an open mind. Things can’t get worse than this year’s been, right?

The fears that always held me back… Here’s to breaking them.

Conventional. Unconventional. Married. Divorced. Tall. Short. Slim. Fat. Pretty. Smart. Stupid. Ugly. Bipolar. Girl. Indian. Dark. Fair. Educated. Rich. Poor. Whore. Slut. Rebel… Here’s to a tagless, happier, unbranded 2018!!

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Venomous journey

A little to the left he leaned.

My rickshaw driver.

Trying hard to see ahead of the car blocking his view

No use.

Turning his handle bar all the way to the left, he inched forward.

As did the car in front.

And the one in front and the one in front

So my smart Alec driver moved all the way to the right

As did the car in front

And the one in front and the one in front

And all the vehicles swayed left and right as they inched forward

Crawling towards their common goal

Like a slithering snake through wet grass

Rythmic though the movements were

Can’t help but wonder, where is the poison sac?

How much is too much

Today in conversation, my mom said that January was actually not too much. For a normal person or a bipolar person on meds and therapy, January would have been bad but not devastating.

Is that true?

I had a 1 month abortion. Lost both my kittens. Lost my best friend to a freak accident after having lived with her for 3 months till Jan 1st. And lost my favourite uncle just a month prior to that.

Am I really just making a big deal out of nothing? How much is too much?

Gulp it down

I’ve bucked up and collapsed so often that even my family has lost faith in me. So now when I’m restarting my training company and a project was coming though… My brother’s lack of faith in me following through and my boy friend’s lack of ever having anything supportive or encouraging to say hit me badly. Not that I expressed anything coz god forbid anyone knows I have emotions. Oooooo.

But now finally in my room at night, I can’t stop crying. But cry, we shall not.

We shall drink water, watch something and try to sleep asap. Coz now with meds and therapy and myself to fall back on, life’s a calling.

Chug chug chug chug chug…!

Responsibility

If things that happen, make me junk instead of dealing with them in a healthier fashion, then that’s on me… It’s my mistake. Aware conscious me should know better. And should def try harder to do better.

But what if it’s stuff people say? And what if they say things despite knowing that it’ll affect me this badly. This adversely. Is it still on me? Or can they help by being sensitive?

But then… What if they can’t do any better? Then are we just a wrong match?

Advice please.

Movie mania

Watching movies back to back to get my head in place. Perspective, I have. The courage to do what’s needed and the determination to see something through… Ha!

I want C back. To talk to. To confide in. To support me. I need her.

In a world where love in my life meant very little, she was a friend. Why then did I get just 4 months with her? This is so unfair. Why did she die so young? Die. She is dead. 

Back to movies…