Lonely

I have noone to even ping in frustration. No friends to reach out to vent or cry or even talk to. Tried catching up with a friend recently but turns out that other than girl talk or having fun, I can’t talk to her.

C is dead. So other than msging on her number on WhatsApp, there is nothing I can do. I try talking out loud to her.

Am I doomed to be alone for life? If so how do I come to terms with it?

Why did he come into my life, hurt me like all the others and then leave? And now act like he is the victim. Victim of what? 

I thought I was better. That I was making better decisions. Choosing better human beings.

I was so wrong. I made the same mistake.

Instead of physical or sexual abuse, I found a partner who is emotionally​ abusive. Very. That’s another tick in that column!

Actually no. I’m not sad. I’m angry. Pissed off at him for being such a douche. And myself for falling for it.

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The story goes on…

She had a horrible childhood. Then a shitty husband who didn’t live up. So when along came a son who was loud and overbearing and a natural leader, she looked up to him. He became and still remains the man in her life.

I was born next. What did I do wrong, that instead of a mom, I got a sister. Who played house with me… To keep him happy.

Today I’ve not had a second of rest. So… I’m going back to my place. Where emotions can be genuine and love isn’t fake. Where my pillows become my family and the soul of C and boochi my saviours. Where if I really want to, I can end it all… Without guilt. 🙂

How much is too much

Today in conversation, my mom said that January was actually not too much. For a normal person or a bipolar person on meds and therapy, January would have been bad but not devastating.

Is that true?

I had a 1 month abortion. Lost both my kittens. Lost my best friend to a freak accident after having lived with her for 3 months till Jan 1st. And lost my favourite uncle just a month prior to that.

Am I really just making a big deal out of nothing? How much is too much?

Gulp it down

I’ve bucked up and collapsed so often that even my family has lost faith in me. So now when I’m restarting my training company and a project was coming though… My brother’s lack of faith in me following through and my boy friend’s lack of ever having anything supportive or encouraging to say hit me badly. Not that I expressed anything coz god forbid anyone knows I have emotions. Oooooo.

But now finally in my room at night, I can’t stop crying. But cry, we shall not.

We shall drink water, watch something and try to sleep asap. Coz now with meds and therapy and myself to fall back on, life’s a calling.

Chug chug chug chug chug…!

Responsibility

If things that happen, make me junk instead​ of dealing with them in a healthier fashion, then that’s on me… It’s my mistake. Aware conscious me should know better. And should def try harder to do better​.

But what if it’s stuff people say? And what if they say things despite knowing that it’ll affect me this badly. This adversely. Is it still on me? Or can they help by being sensitive?

But then… What if they can’t do any better? Then are we just a wrong match?

Advice please.

Best laid plans

I meant to move out of my house and move in with my mom… Atleast till this suicidal depression passes. I’m back on therapy and medication so I’m hoping to recover soon. But now I’ve decided not to. 

I’ve realised that what my family is capable of and want to do is not serving the purpose that I need. So living with them expecting more and getting disappointed will not only add to how I’m already feeling but also spoil the relationship we currently share.

So disappointing or not, I shall create a family of my own. Friends I love and cherish enough to be family. Ofcourse when I did that, life decided to take them away from me by death. Since everything we were capable of fighting against.

So… In a couple of days I’ll be moving back home from mom’s place where I’ve temporarily set up tent. Will need all the strength and support I can get to snap out of my laziness. To take care of myself. To be safe. To do the things I want to do. To live.

The year so far…

I returned to Bangalore to complete food poisoning. Recovered in a few days. Kept spirits high.

Adopted 2 amazing kittens. Most loved feeling ever. For 2 weeks. Boochi and Bubbles.

Bubbles succumbed to ill health and passed away.

Realised I’m pregnant. Over a month. Thrilled.

Complications. Aborted.

Boochi fell ill. Admitted.

Boochi passes away in my lap. I made the call to end her misery while she pooped coagulated blood.

I return home. Kept spirits high. Fighting with life.

C, cafe owner meets with accident and dies.

I give up! Fuck this year. End it already. Please.