I shall think of the small battles I am winning instead of crying about all my loses.
Despite the hope that things were changing, I was going to get support and help and love and comfort, I think I dealt with the disappointment quite well. I also overcame it as soon as possible and supported A through his mood swing. Not because I’m a selfless noble person. On the contrary I’m very selfish. I did it because I want to. I love him and i don’t know to love in any other way. I believe a life where we all are in the end just by ourselves, is a very lonely concept. So yaaaaay for this one victory.
Secondly, instead of mourning through the day, I had breakfast with C and her business partner. Then spent half the day at the cafe with them. Though the leaving my house wasn’t my initiative, I still did it without much ado. Yaaaaay for that.
Thirdly, I think I’m trying to believe that my expectations are unreasonable and work on being more self sufficient and mature. I know deaths and past baggage of abuse aren’t common everyday things to take care of and expecting help isn’t wrong… but I guess I’m more ready for disappointment now. Maybe soon I’ll learn to not have hope until proven otherwise. Don’t really want to yaaaaay for this coz it feels like the death of my naive genuine self.
Next, I think I’m ready to start dealing with sundar mama’s death. And if not with other humans, maybe here. Share stories, express what I feel, whatever it takes… coz he would have wanted me to LIVE. Not survive. And I owe him that.
So… few battles won. Several more to go to even tilt the war in my favour. But hey, it’s a start… Right?
A bipolar diary 